February 24th, 2011

Jersey Shore Power Rankings - Week 8

Welcome back to the Jersey Shore Power Rankings. After a two week absence, we’re offering up a double dip to make it up to you. Last week’s episode again featured a lot of poo-talk, which we’ve been over before. We’ve also now entered the post-Sammi era, right? Wrong. Fuck. Sammi apparently has better staying power than Brett Favre and Jason Vorhees combined. So let’s jump right in and get down to business.

The episode opens with The Situation consoling a distraught Ronnie and discussing how awesome he is. You know, for a change. 

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February 24th, 2011

Jersey Shore Power Rankings - Week 7

Sorry for missing out on last week, we drank too much and our butt was bleeding so we were in the hospital. A lot has gone down in the meantime. Ronnie and Sammi are no more HOOOORAAAYYYY!!!! That’s the good news. The bad news is that while their breakup was hilarious and I’m glad it happened, it was also pretty horrifying. Ronnie is clearly destined for some serious domestic violence and we can look forward to seeing his name in the Mitchell Report of Reality TV, right alongside half the cast of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. We haven’t seen that much violence and crying since we found out they weren’t renewing Kid Nation. Before moving on to the most recent episode, let’s take a quick look back at what happened last week.

The return of Ron Ron Juice!!!

"How could you sit there and look me in the face, watch me cry, and lie to my face?"

"Which time?" Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Esquire.

Sammi dropping bombs.

"Be a woman and man up!"

"I can’t concentrate with all this fighting. They’re talking about relationships and my sneakers are dirty!"

"They’re gonna bang like, soon."

"Sammi’s like a f****** spider monkey climbing on the bed, with a pit bull lock."

Deena - “You get the front and I’ll get the back.” Snooki - “You would want the back. Oh wait, that’s me.”

"He had camel toe going on with his penis and everything." Great work by this idiot to sign off on letting himself be humiliated on national television. Also, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from our years and years of trying to pick up dumb chicks on the boardwalk during the day, it’s that they LOVE Jack Daniels.

We will now begin the photo montage of Ronnie going insane. Presented without comment:


That’s all we have to say about that. Now on to the rankings and a picture that I think is funny.

8. Sammi

The witch is dead(for now) but that burp mid-argument was her greatest moment.

7. Ronnie

Some pretty reprehensible actions this week but damn, for a total moron, the kid has a way of turning any argument to make himself look better.

6. Deena

She’s sort of settled into her role as Snooki’s sidekick.

5. Snooki

Ew. I love you tho.

4. The Situation

One of my favorite things about Mike is that he is 100% convinced that he is a genius. As we will see next week, he thinks that he is the perfect fit for any role. Watching him play both sides of the SamRon saga and try to play some sort of therapist for Ron was great.

3. Vinny

Vinny didn’t have too much to do this week, but he’s just so good at everything he does.


I’m really enjoying her relationship with Roger more than I thought I would. You could argue that Drunk JWOWW is the funniest character.

1. DJ Pauly Delvecchio

Without a doubt, consistently the funniest member. He toes the line perfectly between laughing at everyone else (except Vin) and laughing along with them. He’s constantly making jokes at their expense and his own, which is why he seems to be beloved by everyone. He also had what may have been the line of the year as Sammi was about to leave the house for good…


"Cabs are here!"

February 24th, 2011

Muammar al-Gaddafi: A Critical Analysis

It’s been an exciting week here in America.  Cheese-heads are protesting in Wisconsin, NBA players are jumping over cars, and Congressmen are sending creepy pictures all over the internet.

Furries deserve representation too! [Ed. Note: No, they don’t] 

But in case you haven’t been paying attention, some wild stuff is happening over on the other side of the world.  In the wake of the overthrow of regimes in Tunisia and Egypt, protesters across the Middle East and Africa are taking to the streets calling for democratic reforms.

Nowhere have these protests taken a more serious turn than in Libya.  Reports out of Libya have been sketchy, but in various places it has been reported that tens of thousands of people are in the streets, that there are mass defections of Libyan diplomats and military figures to the sides of the protesters, that the military and mercenaries were attempting to brutally suppress the protests, and entire swaths of the country are no longer under government control.

One thing we do know is that to defuse the situation and convince his people to chill out, Muammar Gaddafi, Libya’s dictator for 41 years, gave an internationally televised speech. 

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February 23rd, 2011

Five Car Accessories that Make People Hate You

You’re driving along, feeling pretty good about yourself. It’s a beautiful day, and you’ve got your NOW That’s What I Call Music! 84 album blasting the latest Ke$ha song (by the way, in this scenario, you are a tool). But as traffic slows, you notice that people around you aren’t in quite as good moods. Glaring, shaking their heads, sneering with disgust - all, it seems, in your direction. 

What’s going on?

Who knows, really. They could be having bad days, sick of being in the car, late for something important. But if you have one of the following accessories on your car, then this collective scorn may well be directed at you. And, I’m sorry to say, you deserve it. 

Name this movie and you win my undying respect. 

5. Decals/custom paint jobs

The Ed Hardy Smart Car: For the douchebag who has everything

If you have gone so far as to get flames, or stars, or an Ed Hardy design painted on your car, then I’m sure I’m not the first person to tell you that you are the worst. And if I am the first, then I hate to say it, but your friends are the worst, too. You need to repaint your car and get better friends. 

4. Underbody lights

Oh my God, it’s a UFO! Wait, no, it’s just a crappy car with some lights under it. My mistake. 

I’m not totally clear on why this is a thing, but I’ve said the same thing about the other two phenomena to gain popularity after they appeared in Fast and the Furious, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. I actually went so far as to search in car forums for why people do this, and the only answer I could find to the question “Why?” was “Because it looks mad hot.” So that at least explains why people glare at you. Because they assume you are just like that guy.  

3. Truck nuts

Hmm…the metaphor is still a little unclear… 

I don’t understand how we live in a world where two gay men holding a baby gets a family shield “to protect the children,” but it’s cool for those same children to see a silver scrotum hanging from a passing vehicle. Florida is the only state to even attempt a ban on this accessory, but the legislation only succeeded in creating a lot of “America’s wang bans nuts” jokes and eventually the effort died out.

I just hope that people come to their senses before they take this metaphor to its logical conclusion:


2. Lift kits

"Whoa, that guy must be really well-endowed." - Everyone, in this driver’s imagination

Let’s get one thing straight about lift kits. I do not understand them. So if there’s a perfectly logical reason for someone to drive a car at the same height as a bus or low-flying aircraft, then I apologize. But from my close-to-the-ground perspective, you look like a jerk. A jerk who is hard to see around.  

1. Bumper stickers

Look, guy, if the Rapture happens I’ve got a lot more to worry about than a few unmanned minivans. I’ve signed up to watch dozens of your pets.

I hate bumper stickers. I don’t care what they say, what they support, or whether I am in total agreement on the subject. You could be driving around with a bumper sticker that says, “I enjoy pizza and the movies of Bill Murray” and I would still think you are a jag.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about why I have such a visceral negative reaction to them in the 20 minutes that I’ve been writing this blog post, and I think I’ve finally figured it out. 

There are almost seven billion people in the world. I have meaningful relationships with, let’s say, 50 of them. That means that I care about the opinions, values and perceptions of .000000737% of the global population. So not only do I not care about what the driver of the Toyota Corolla in front of me feels about the stimulus plan, it bothers me that he even wants to tell me.

I will not be swayed by your pithy pro-gun sentiments, no matter how bulletproof the logic of “If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?” is. I also do not need to know that you are the proud owner of an Irish Setter that you believe to be smarter than my honor student. All I need to know is why you’ve been going 40 in the left lane with your right blinker on for 15 miles. So if you had a bumper sticker that says, “I am a bad driver” or “I’m not paying any attention” then I would still hate you, but at least the information would be accurate and relevant.  

February 22nd, 2011

Back in the day, cartoons were full of assholes.

If you ask a kid why they love Saturdays, you’ll probably get one of two responses:

  1. It is the weekend
  2. It is not a weekday

The average kid is stupid on a number of fronts (can’t perform surgery, can’t drive, can’t hold down a steady job), but they usually understand the concept of “Saturday” pretty well. A whole day dedicated to doing whatever you want, and a whole morning dedicated to cartoons and sugary indoctrination.

The Jets: fun-lovin’ Kool Aid endorsers, or actual musicians? You decide.

I had what was likely a stereotypical (not in the racist way) Saturday morning routine for a child of the 80s/90s: wake up at 7am, grab a bowl of cereal, and spend the next 5 hours glued to the television. Cartoons were your other teachers, the ones you didn’t mind seeing Saturday morning, and whose only homework requirements were to play with action figures following each episode.

Clockwise, from top left: Reading, Social Studies, Recess, and BASIC.

Often, cartoons imparted valuable life lessons upon us, some even going as far as to include PSAs. Unfortunately, I don’t know of even one that included the most important advice a child can ever receive: don’t be an asshole.

Cartoons were chock full of assholes. Know-it-alls, slimeballs, show-boaters, and talking animals - I could go on for weeks. Hell, most of the assholes were technically the good guys. We here at Hamsterdam decided to highlight a few that make for good representatives of the whole bunch. Jerks.

Ace McCloud (Centurions)

Identified as: Daring air operations expert

Telltale asshole signs: playboy attitude, sarcasm, flight capabilities

The dish: Looking back on this show, Ace’s devil-may-care attitude probably made it harder for the team to apprehend Doc Terror. This should’ve been a miniseries, but somehow was extended to 65 episodes. Why give a guy a jetpack and missiles if he’s going to be lackadaisical for 64 of them? This only ended up reinforcing my notion that I wouldn’t have to work as hard as everyone else since I was also blond.

Orson Pig (U.S. Acres, Garfield and Friends)

Identified as: Pig; leader of the farm animals

Telltale asshole signs: worrywart, stickler for the rules, avid reader

The dish: I’ll be damned if I can identify a more persnickety character in the Saturday morning cartoon lineup. Remember the kid that would remind the teacher that homework is due? His middle name was probably Orson, or at least Pig. Orson was always concerned about doing things the right way - a 180 from Ace McCloud, which probably makes him an even bigger asshole. If you have a friend try to lead you down the path to righteousness through either fable or fairy tale, tell them to keep their kindle to themselves.

Beavis and Butt-head (Beavis and Butt-head)

Identified as: “the tall one” and Cornholio.

Telltale asshole signs: moronic behavior, disgusting behavior, violent behavior…well, just a lot of behavioral problems.

The dish: Few cartoons are worthy of commentary extending outside the show itself, but I think Beavis and Butt-head merits it. This is one of only a handful of cartoons that I would characterize as “revolutionary” - and there honestly hasn’t been anything like it since. Innovative and willing to take on the establishment, both of which I like. And while those are positives, this show seemed to harness something very, very awful in its audience. Mike Judge basically turned an entire generation of teenagers into idiots in the mid-90s with characters that showed an affinity for poop jokes, heavy metal, violence, and pyromania. He has to shoulder at least some of the blame for that. I give kids these days a lot of old man gruff for their hip-hop and their Twilight, but imagine being a parent 15 years ago and having to deal with a son that aspired to be like this.  These guys are definitely high on the asshole list.

Bluegrass (Silverhawks)

Identified as: Colonel Bluegrass; the cowboy.

Telltale asshole signs: Seriously?

The dish:  Fashion statements have a way of going horribly awry in space. But this one takes the cake. It’s almost like an animator traveled back in time 25 years to bring us the superhero equivalent of George W. Bush. There are like five separate levels of ridiculousness packed into this single character. I can’t even look away.

February 21st, 2011

What To Do If You Don’t Like The New Radiohead Album

1. Panic


There are few times when you are allowed to legitimately panic, such as your spouse was in a car accident and you don’t know the extent of their injuries or when you are really really hungry.  After digesting the entire album twice (you don’t just listen to Radiohead you heathens, you consume it like a fine wine), if you still find yourself going, “Why am I not questioning my existence in modern society?  Why do I feel just as happy as I did when I started listening to this album?  Why do I not feel the need to go on the Internet and tell everyone they are wrong about their musical tastes?” then most definitely begin to panic.

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February 18th, 2011

Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.
Big Momma’s House 3: Like Father, Like Who Cares
I know everyone tries to marginalize Dave Chappelle by calling him “crazy” but I enjoyed his questioning of why every black actor eventually dresses up like a woman for a movie.  While he never says directly “why” he thinks it happens so often, I will; seeing a black man stripped of his masculinity is for funny for Americans regardless of race.  Now, I don’t think everyone seeing Big Momma is a racist (they do have bad taste) but there needs to be an underlying reason why EVERY gifted black comic has tried on a dress, right?  A stereotype, one that black America somewhat perputrates, is that black men are super-masculine; they are athletic, have huge dongs, and don’t mind getting into a fight so to see them stripped of all of these things is hilarious?  Perhaps, I don’t really know, it’s just weird in 2011 there’s this genre of movie that still exists and that people, both black and white, are a fan of it.  PS: This looks like a soul abortion.

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February 16th, 2011

Film School: What to do if you find yourself in a marriage-like situation with someone you hate

You may encounter situations in your life for which there is no possible preparation. Luckily, movies are a great substitute for real-life experience. In Film School, we look at what television and movies can teach us about these unexpected scenarios. 

According to Hollywood and daytime talk shows, there is a decent chance that at some point in your life you will end up living with, married to, or pretending to be married to someone you despise. These chances go up astronomically if you’re a strong, independent, career-minded woman over the age of 30 or an irresponsible, fun-loving guy. 

And while loveless marriages may not sound funny, they are a goldmine for phoned-in romantic comedies. Let’s look at a few of these films and examine what they can teach us about marriage, love, and the ridiculous reasons people find themselves in both. 

It’s hard to tell who I feel worse for because it’s hard to decide who I hate more. 

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February 15th, 2011

How to Be Good at Things: Email

Allow me to wax philosophical for a moment. According to my very precise calculations,

1. There was some measure of time during which I hadn’t yet been born

2. There is some measure of time in which I will cease to be.

Between these two large bosoms of nothingness, I motorboat my way through this thing called existence, doing primarily one thing: hanging out on the internet, writing emails.

If “online” was a house, this would be your front porch. And I think I just saw a kid light a bag of poo on fire. I’ve coped with the fact learned that being great at email will not earn one fame, fortune, or love outside of Nigeria. It’s a shame, really, because I’m easily a top-10 emailer on Earth.

If you’re not familiar with email, it’s not because of some great technological and economic divide preventing your undeveloped state from building enough infrastructure to provide internet service. No, it’s because you are younger than 15 and you are busy as hell texting your bff.

brb g2g fail mth tst lolz ^o^

Email is baseball to texting’s football. A Bordeaux to texting’s shots. Not always better, but it requires more patience, and a willingness to observe and learn. Once you realize that internet shorthand only gets you so far, you too can become good at email, like me. Soon you will be CC’ing with the best of them.

I’ve identified the greatest hurdles to email stardom. I’m not afraid to tell it like it is, get you all the facts, so that you can eventually learn how to paypal me money. In the meantime, consider this an IOU. 

And now, your biggest obstacles to becoming good at email:

1. You join mailing lists.

This cartoon has no legs and it is freaking me out.

Once in a while, you decide it will benefit you to share your email address with some type of business or organization. Question: is 10% off a Southwestern Skillet-Fried Asian Salad at Ruby Tuesday’s really worth the twice-daily email blast? Well, at least you can eat that crap. Try justifying daily emails from Pottery Barn. You can’t.

I get at least 10 of these email blasts from random companies and organizations each week. It’s basically the email hydra: as soon as you unsubscribe from one, two more pop up. If you get more than 10, your life is over. And you are automatically signed up for the Bad@email Club. “But I’m the one receiving those emails!”, you say.

2. You forward emails.

Seriously, don’t do this. You have no idea how awful you make life for others.

3. You are old.

1337 grandmas, because 1336 wouldn’t be enough.

As adisclaimer, I just want to reiterate that kids are the absolute worst when it comes to any form of communication. But if you spent at least 30 years of your life not using the internet, chances are that you’re not very good at email. Personal emails have a style all their own - looser than a handwritten letter, and less awkward than a phone call every 6 months. Older internet users can’t seem to grasp this. Emails from older people follow one of three paths:

  1. Update on everything under the sun. Listen, I don’t want a life story, especially since yours will be rather long. 
  2. Attempt at internet slango in order to look cool.
  3. Chain emails.

Again, all are an improvement over texting. But that’s a low bar to set. You’re probably just better off calling at this point.

4. You have a Blackberry.

When you send email from a portable device, it is a recipe for failure. That’s how texting was invented, you know. Yes, you can afford a nice phone, or maybe you have a prestigious job to be tied to a Blackberry at all times. But something’s got to give. And that something in 99% of all cases is your ability to spell, manage simple sentence structure, or spend longer than 30 seconds responding.

I know what you’re thinking…and yes, you are a racist.

Basically, it boils down to this: if you’re not going to bother to sit down to compose an email, you won’t care about any of the subtleties that change writing from simple communication into an artform.

5. You are filing a complaint.

A great way to diminish your email performance is to be angry. Even when you’ve had time to flesh out a letter complaining about a product or service, you come off as an unlikeable, unsympathetic ninny. Yea, a ninny. It doesn’t matter if your 1337 grandmother just got botulism - don’t email Campbell’s about expired soup. No good can come of this. Ha! No good can - get it?

Well, that’s about it for the free tips. Feel free to text me your comments and thoughts. Or maybe just call? You never call anymore.

February 14th, 2011

The 10 Most Disturbing Love Songs

It’s Valentine’s Day, and commercialism love is in the air. But sometimes that love is expressed through music that crosses the thin line between romance and total insanity. Here are my picks for the ten most disturbing love songs of all time. 

10. Every Breath You Take - The Police 

There’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said about Sting’s Ballad of the Stalker, but I had to include it on this list because it really is one of the most genuinely alarming songs to ever break the top 40. 

Cringiest line: "Can’t you see, you belong to me

And how my poor heart aches, with every breath you take.”

I could definitely see that line written in blood at the scene of a murder-suicide. 

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