I’m Starting a Cult, Who Wants In?
I finished reading “Helter Skelter” over the weekend. Pretty cool book if you enjoy the feeling of hating humanity. However, it has given me the genius idea that I need to start a cult as soon as possible (ASAP).
What I like about cults is the brainwashing aspect. People make brainwashing out to be some horrible thing but if you really aren’t a fan of your brain, is
washing cleaning it necessarily a bad thing? I say no. You say yes? YOU DARE DEFY ZOD!?!?!
Sorry, I got ahead of myself.
I know you have a horrible misconception that cults are bad since you only hear about the bad ones like Manson or the one where they all killed themselves. I will institute a strict “NO KILLING” policy. In fact, let me tell you ten things about this cult that will make you say, “wash my brain.”
#1 - We are NOT calling it a cult.
It’s a COMMUNE. We don’t want Satanists and Wiccans because those types will inevitably violate the unspoken “no killing” policy. Actually…
#2 - No Killing.
Let’s make it a spoken policy just in case.
#3 - 66% women 33% men .5% puppies .5% kittens ratio.
This isn’t some polygamy thing, I was never able to juggle two women pre-cult and I’m pretty sure I won’t post-cult. The reason for this ratio is I don’t want too many guys gunning for my position as head of the cult and the dogs and kittens are there to pacify the women. OK, that last part sounded very sexist but if you’ve seen women around baby animals you get it. OK, still sexist but OMGMONKEYKITTEN.
#4 - We’re moving to the desert.
Don’t worry, it’ll be like 20 minutes from Vegas. Gambling is VERY encouraged.
We will all dress like disheveled newspaper men from the 50s and smile weirdly.
#5 - General Philosophy
Free love? Free drugs? Free freedom? No. Free TV? Free ice cream? Fuck and Yes. The vibe I’m going for is college summer vacation. There will be tutorials on how to accurately use Gob Bluthe quotes so non-Arrested Development fans will understand the joke along with seminars on how to insult people on Twitter.
#6 - Pants optional
Actually, a lot of things will be optional: pants, self-worth, proper dietary habits. Only requirements are an appreciation for TNBC, showers, and bad posture.
#7 - We will be called “Infamous Hugs”
To be a legit cult, your name has to sound both standoffish but inclusive. “The Manson Family” and “Heaven’s Gate” are both GREAT names and I applaud their SEO skills. I went with “Infamous Hugs” because, well, shit, that is a really bad name, isn’t it? Sounds like a gay rapper. We’ll work on the name!
#8 - Future Lists will only go to #7
Jesus Me, why’d I make this is a list of ten things? Is anyone still reading this? I’m pretty sure I sold most of you on this with the “college summer vibe” and “kittens” but I guess I’ll keep going.
#9 - All arguments will be decided by playing Words with Friends or Angry Birds.
Logic and reasoning have no place in society anymore when all disagreements can be solved using mobile video games.
#10 - Pie day…TWICE A WEEK!
All pie crusts will be this clever.
I have recently started working and the greatest thing about employment is not that million dollar paycheck or seeing how many different types of caffeine I can ingest during the day but it’s bagel day. A $1 bagel with cream cheese gets me up Wednesday mornings. Now, imagine if it was pie? Now imagine if it was Wednesday AND Fridays? Pie two times a week is the perfect balance, once a week is not enough and three times a week means obesity problems and although many of my rules do seem like this is a fat camp, it’s most definitely NOT a fat camp.
So, see you guys there in a few weeks!