The Current Events Combine!
We just had what was the 7-layer burrito of weekends, complete with all the intestinal discomfort you could ask for.
Yes, folks, the NFL combine sailed into the harbor with its flag at full mast, and I was there, ready to receive the shipment.
"Wait, Mr. nomics!" you whine, in that nagging voice you can’t help but use, "There were a lot of important things happening in the world this past week! Riots in the Middle East! Wisconsin budget battles! The Oscars!" Seriously, your voice is like fingernails in a pencil sharpener.
But you make a compelling point. There are very, very few things less productive than sitting back and evaluating potential career paths of huge, muscular men based on a bench press or a high jump. So let’s go a little bit country, and a little bit rock & roll on this one. The Current Events Combine!
A few of the big names in the news decided to attend the combine and put on a show for us. Don’t worry, because just like in the NFL Combine, you’ll forget who these guys were in 3 years.
Muammar Gadhafi - LT (Libya)
Height: 6’0 Weight: 182
Vertical jump: 9.5”
40-yard dash: Mumu don’t run from no one!
Expert’s Angle: Mamma G has been dominating in league play since his 34th redshirt senior season, but there are legitimate questions about both his eligibility and whether he can play with the big boys. Revolution, his first real competition in years, made him look rather pathetic. The only head-turning plays he made at this combine were the calls for violence against his own people. Dude, that’s your own team. Draft Stock: soon to be Undrafted Free Agent.
John Galliano - WR/TE (Great Britain)
Height: 5’4 Weight: 133
Broad jump: From fashion icon to ultra-hated
40-yard dash: 6.8 seconds
3-cone drill: Probably a fan.
Expert’s Angle: Dior’s Galliano showed a lot of gall this weekend, and set combine records in the untimed antisemitism drill. While we don’t expect to see him most Sundays, this could be just the guy that Pat Robertson takes a first-day flyer on (who would’ve thunk it?) Draft Stock: 6th round. Refuses to attend any draft events in New York.
Charlie Sheen - QB (Santa Monica High School)
Height: 5’10 Weight: 185
Bench Press: 62 reps at 225lbs; got bored.
Broad Jump: Many
60-yard shuttle: Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.
Expert’s Angle: CS went to the combine as the biggest star, and he didn’t disappoint. Not only did he demonstrate his great physical skills, but he wowed owners and general managers alike with his smooth talk and levelheadedness. Coaches love that this guy is ready to go out there and immediately start calling his own plays. A can’t-miss prospect if there ever was one. Draft Stock: Top pick.
Scott Walker - DB (Wisconsin)
Height: 6’1 Weight: 195
Wonderlic: Depends on who you ask.
3-cone drill: Declared waste of taxpayer money; performed poorly in 1-cone drill.
Bench Press: 1 rep at 135lbs
Expert’s Angle: Scotty Too Hotty is this year’s Tim Tebow. He’s the guy that coaches either love or hate. There’s no in-between. He acknowledged that he could potentially lose a lot of money showing up to these workouts, so scouts were just happy to see him perform in several pared-down drills, including the 5-yard dash and the vertical stand up. Draft Stock: Anywhere from 2nd to 4th round. He deemed everything from the 5th round onward as “excess fat to be trimmed”.
Geez, the hair in this draft would make Mel Kiper want to off himself.
That’s it from our scouting crew here at the Current Events Combine. Remember, if you want to get your name out there, start a war against your own citizens, or better yet, CBS. And if you can’t be hated, at least be controversial.