Presumptive Movie Reviews
It’s expensive to see movies. It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them. Here’s what’s opening this week.
I hate everything about this trailer. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I hate that Rango is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I hate that it looks like Western. I hate that he stumbles into the town and then has to become a Sheriff. I hate that animals are talking. I hate that it’s animated. I hate that Johnny Depp is talking. I hate that it’s going to be released in several thousand theaters. I hate that children will like it. I hate the name “Rango.”
I hate foreigners. I hate that this movie will be released on DVD and children will watch it many times over because parents don’t want to hear their kids talk. I hate the sequel. I hate that I hate it so much. I hate that money will exchange hands so people will watch. I hate Rango.
The Adjustment Bureau
What the fuck is this? Matt Damon can’t live his life because there’s a group of people with the Zach Morris power to stop time and rearrange things so they follow a certain career path? And they all dress like the guys from Mad Men? And there’s an actual Mad Men man? Sure? Sure. Just wanted us all on the same page. I’m sure this movie is an interesting take on free will versus God’s Plan which has NEVER been touched upon in film history. I love that “love” is the reason Matt Damon gets off course in his life and it becomes “Do you want to be President or in love?” Eh, I’ll take President because President is pretty cool. Super stressful obvs but pretty cool. In conclusion, Damon decides he wants to be in love and kills all of the Mad Men guys and then becomes President…of the PTA.
Take Me Home Tonight
Topher Grace plays a guy in the 80s trying to bang some broad he really wants to. Honest question, is banging people the only thing that drives men? In every movie the underlying reason for everything seems to be, “I WANT TO BANG AND IF I COMPLETE THIS TASK I WILL BANG.” Maybe I’m just sleepy but is banging the end all be all of our existence? I know it’s a big part but it seems like there is so much more nuisance to life than obsessing about who I can (very tiny list) and cannot (huge list) bang. I’m sure when you are 18 banging seems important, now that I think about it, my whole life was consumed by that notion but then I hit 39 and lost my virginity at a Soul Collective concert and I moved on. Bee-tee-dubs, fuck this movie.
New Movie Trailers
Meeks Cutoff - Live Action Oregan Trail Movie
Attack the Block - Aliens invade a shady part of London.
Detention - Blech.