Hamsterdam

We're over there now.

Mon, 14 Mar 2011 22:50:15 -0400

TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THIS IS MUCH MORE ANNOYING TO ME THAN TO YOU BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO THIS IS THE INTERNET AND YOU KNOW WHAT’S COOL JUSTIN TIMBERLAKEBERG? A BILLION THINGS GOING WRONG IN A DAY!

http://hamsterdam415.wordpress.com/

The Hamsterdam Guide to Non-Sports Fans and March Madness

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 09:35:00 -0500

March Madness is one of the few events that forces obsessive sports fans to share our world with non-sports fans. Normally we are insulated from them—wrapped up in the safety of our precious stat blogs and late night Big Sky conference games where the uninitiated dare not tread.

Don’t mess with Monte

March Madness, though, is something that everybody participates in. For example, I don’t know a thing about the personal life of the 43-year-old secretary in my office. I’m surprised I even know her name. But I know that last year she picked Butler to go to the Final Four in her bracket. Like most obsessive sports fans I know, I tolerate discussing March Madness with non-sports fans with a grudging politeness, nodding as they make ignorant statement after ignorant statement and hoping it will all end soon. No more! Here are some things I plan on saying to the ignorant non-sports fans who dare discuss March Madness with me this year.

Joe Lunardi is always wrong (and is basically a white-collar criminal)

Joe Lunardi and his “bracketology” have become ubiquitous during the college basketball season. So much so that people have gone from viewing his bracketology projections as a fun exercise intended to spark discussion and educate people on the tournament selection process to viewing them as Gospel. “Lunardi has us as a three seed in Cleveland this week, better look into flights.” “Lunardi has us matched up with Duke in the sweet 16, I can’t wait!” NO. When Lunardi says these things, he isn’t predicting what will actually happen. He is doing a mock selection process to give fans a rough idea of (a) where their team stands and (b) what might be going through the heads of the selection committee. Lunardi doesn’t help the misconception that he is a fortune-teller by being an insufferable douche on television and in his columns. But the biggest proof that Lunardi doesn’t know the future is how he gets a leaked version of the REAL bracket from the selection committee before it is announced on TV, and then “updates” his “predictions” to match what the selection committee has decided. Seriously, he does that every year with a straight face. If you get inside information about a corporation and use that knowledge to your benefit on the stock market you get sent to prison for insider trading. I’m not saying Joe Lunardi should be indicted for being a douche, but if you want to forward this blog post to the Securities and Exchange Commission I won’t stand in your way.

People who brag about victories on alternate brackets are scum

Obama explaining to Andy Katz why he is scum

Everybody loves to talk about how great they are doing in their bracket pool or about a great upset they picked. There’s nothing wrong with that. But there is something wrong with filling out 10 different brackets and acting like you are Joe Fucking Lunardi when you happened to pick an improbable first round upset or Cinderella run to the sweet 16 in one of them. You see, for obsessive sports fans, the bracket is serious business. We agonize over our selections. We analyze the stats, the rosters, the head to head match-ups, the star player’s relationship status on facebook. We might fill out an alternate bracket or two, but we know that bragging about obscure victories is verboten. If someone brags to you about an alternate bracket, put it to them this way: would you go to a roulette table at a casino, put down chips on all of the numbers, and then celebrate when you inevitably hit one? Use that perfect analogy, or just call them scum.

Real fans are doing NIT brackets this year

The above statement is patently false. But this is a card you can play to really put a non-sports fan in their place. The NIT was once a premier tournament almost on par with the NCAA tournament. Decades of expansion by the NCAA tournament have left the current NIT as a forgotten also-ran. People only watch the NIT if their team is unfortunate enough to have been invited, and possibly not even then. So Mr. or Ms. Non-sports fan comes up to you excited to talk about his or her bracket and how great March Madness is, and you reply that the NIT is where the real action is. Pretty much anyone can (and does) fill out a bracket for the NCAA tournament. Filling out NIT brackets is only for the true diehard fans of the game of college basketball. They’ll walk away from you crestfallen and will be afraid to talk about sports (or anything) with you ever again. Until their fantasy football draft.

The Hamsterdam Guide to Government Auctions

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 09:00:07 -0500

I’m not sure about you, readers, but I’ve been leery about the recovery of the American economnomnomy. Yes, the Dow Jones has crept back up, but it still seems like we’re a long way from making it rain on other countries again. Homes sales are down throughout the country, federal, state, and local governments are running huge deficits, and Britney’s still probably a good two years away from once again dominating the pop charts. Truly a gloomy period in American history.

Angry about the economy? Call your congressman and tell them it’s Britney, bitch.

But just because times are rough doesn’t mean you can’t make that dollar go father. A good way to do this is to live with your parents and suckle on their steady income teet until you’re, say, 41. Another, slightly cooler way is to check out a government auction.

Now, you probably have a healthy skepticism of the federal government. That’s understandable. But there are some reasons to take at least a quick gander at Uncle Sam’s yardsale.

1. You can own land.

Nervous about the transmitter building? Move to the easily flammable storage shed.

For just $4500, you can put down a bid deposit and maybe pick up a few acres of brushland in Missoula, Montana. Even in tough times, no major metropolitan area ever has this type of deal. Worried about being stuck out in the middle of Montana? Well it’s right next to an airport, so you can hop over to Idaho or South Dakota as needed. For those who share a studio in NYC, believe me, there’s a lot you can do with that type of real estate. Land is one of the few resources which ~~always~~ ~~often~~ occasionally goes up in value, so grab your friends from Flip This House, knock down a few walls, and see if you can make this eyesore into your eyesore.

2.You can buy in bulk.

Perfect for those office chair races you always wanted to have.

When the government wants to get rid of crap for all of $25, chances are they want to get rid of a lot of it. In fact, if you come across a listing for a singular piece of furniture, it should be reported to the proper authorities. Big Daddy Gov is the Costco of…well, governments. Don’t second guess yourself when it comes to your new found purchasing power - you need 19 chairs, or 32 desks, or 57 lamps. Think not? Well I’ll be the first to tell you, the idea of starting your own comedy club with only 18 seats is laughable at best. Good luck getting through a stand-up routine when everyone is laughing.

3. Opulence…you has it.

You’re only 6 passengers short of a memorable 1960s TV series.

See that boat up there? The one that looks baller as shit? For $2600, it’s yours. Okay, from a practicality standpoint, it doesn’t do you much good. Your seafaring experience is limited to the Maid of the Mist…during Pam & Jim’s Wedding. Hell, you don’t own a truck to hitch it to, let alone a garage. Just keep it in storage down south. Cause I know I’d love to chat up a young Ms. Thang at a party and drop the “Oh, yea, my boat is actually down in Florida…” line. After picking up this vessel, you might as well change your middle name to LadysLuv. Or at the very least, Boatdroppa.

4. I will fear you.

You see the picture above? Apparently that’s an animal cage. I have no clue what type of animal would require such unwieldy and unforgiving cell, but it probably would consider me a light lunch. Honestly you could put a few cicadas in there and I’d shit a brick. I can’t help but nightmare up creepy scenarios where a few FBI officials decide to confiscate an operating table ($34) used for sadistic operations. As far as I’m concerned, all of this stuff is more or less cursed. It probably contained a human body at one point. But damn, what a steal!

5. You Will Become a Mega Man Stage Boss

Seems cool, until somebody whips out a Super Arm on your ass. Then what?

Okay, now that we’re officially lost all of our female readership, let’s talk some serious talk. Ever since you were about 8, you’ve wanted a boss power-up. Well, you’re in luck. Government auctions sell magnets, drills, metal blades, leaf cutters, icemakers, wheels, and above all, junk. Basically, the only thing holding you back from your dreams is how fast you can throw any of it at a small guy dressed in blue.

Congrats! Now you own your own land, a set of small shacks, furniture, a boat, an animal cage, and about 50 pairs of scissors, all for less than $7500. Thanks to government auctions, you’ve officially made it. Now, get out there and live life to the fullest.

Just don’t expect any visitors.

Men are Stupid and Women are the Worst.

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 07:25:00 -0500

If there’s one thing I hate it’s everything. Under this umbrella of “everything” is the discussion of the differences between men and women. I’m not sure there is anything more tedious than reading about how men masturbate differently or how women react to bad news depending on their menstrual cycle and the moon’s orbit. Obviously, since I hate the discussion of gender studies, I will write 700 words about it.Humans evolve. It’s what we do. Each gender has taken on more qualities from the other as we move forward. It makes sense, we try to take the best qualities of other people and incorporate those traits into our own lives so we can improve. The problem is sometimes we take the wrong quality and it just doesn’t quite work out...

Men taking photographs of their friends.

The shocker! Shocking.

I have 179 pictures of myself on Facebook. Less than 10 were taken by dudes and I think that was in a foreign country (the only acceptable exemption from this rule). If someone wants to take a picture of me, I normally hate it because it takes a 100 pics for one to occur that doesn’t make me look like a slovenly Luke Wilson. I’ve concluded women love taking pictures and posting them online only to show their friends, “Look at this AMAZING life I’m living” because they are always out at a cool party or a hip bar or with their kids (gross) and to me that’s just showing off and showing off isn’t cool (you know what is cool? A billion dollars and YES that joke will never get old). Dudes’ pics tend to be show offy as well, either at a sports event, with their bros, or on a fishing trip (gross). Stop it dudes. You went to Egypt and are riding a camel? Yes. You’re playing kickball? Nope.

Women being “one of the guys.”

Not going to lie, that does look comfy.

Hey ladies, want to know a secret? I messed up the title of this article because men are the worst. A guy, a singular male detached from his pack is pretty awesome, but if you keep adding guys into a group dynamic, they become exponentially worse. So, if a girl likes being “one of the guys” then she is a douchebag. Oh, you like sports and being drunk and promiscuity? Hey! Those are like the worst qualities dudes have! Congrats! What about being an inventor or an athlete or a President? Those are pretty good guy qualities, right? No? You like Jager shots and Mark Sanchez too much? I get that.

Men watching horrible TV and acting like they like it.

This show’s continued success proves there is no God.

If you are in a relationship and own a TV, you have to make this daily trade, “I can watch the Knicks tonight but I will watch Vampire Diaries with you tomorrow.” This is completely fair as I subscribe to the, “A 50/50 spit of the remote equals a happy relationship.” HOWEVER, do NOT start acting like you enjoy your girlfriend’s or wife’s show to impress your female and/or gay friends. Sometimes the Real Housewives may come up at work and you think chiming in about Bethany getting her own show will make you seem more approachable to the women/gay men in your office but stop it. Validating people’s horrible tastes destroys America.

Women cursing too much.

I LOVE cursing. However, I’ve learned to tone it down because a few years ago I uttered a sentence like this, “This fucking guy was screaming ‘fuuuuuuck’ and I fuckin’ said to myself, that’s fuckin’ dumb as shit.” Cultured! However, I’ve noticed women cursing a lot more, which is fine to a point but at some point you should realize sounding like 13-year-old skater boi isn’t interesting. To piggy-back on an earlier point, girls talking about sex like they think guys talk about sex IN FRONT of guys seems very sad. “Oh, I love getting fucked!” Yes, every idiot guy in the room will love you and you will be drinking free all night but all I will think is, “What is wrong with you?” To be fair, I’d say the same if a guy said that. To be ever fairer, I may just have weird hang-ups about sex.

In conclusion, if everyone just acted the way I wanted them to I’d be a lot happier.

Film School: What to do if your underdog team of misfits is headed to the big game

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 18:13:00 -0500

You may encounter situations in your life for which there is no possible preparation. Luckily, movies are a great substitute for real-life experience. In Film School, we look at what television and movies can teach us about these unexpected scenarios.

Due to a series of poor decisions on your part, you may one day find yourself forced to coach a team of ragtag little losers as they struggle to compete in a sport that they’re not good at and you don’t like. Oh well, children’s sports seasons aren’t that long, just wait out the series of humiliating defeats until your community service/professional/family obligations are satisfied.

But then the stakes are raised. A side bet of some kind is made. Something important is on the line. Now you need to transform these nerds and fatties into a team of winners. What do you do? As always, let’s turn to Hollywood for the answers.

So many reluctant coaches. So many terrible children to whip into shape.

Hockey: The Mighty Ducks

“Hahaha…we’re terrible.”

Summary: Emilio Estevez, otherwise known as Charlie Sheen’s less-winning, less-bleach snorting brother, stars as defense attorney and jerk (you can tell from the slicked back hair) Gordon Bombay. When he’s arrested for drunk driving, he’s sentenced to coach the local PeeWee hockey team because he’s clearly a great role model who, if anything, should be spending more time around children.

When he meets the team, he realizes that they have no equipment, no uniforms, no hockey skills and no believing in themselves. So he gives them all of that.

“My confidence now outweighs my abilities ten-fold! I feel like I could be governor of Alaska right now.”

He gets his lawyer boss, Mr. Ducksworth (ha!), to sponsor the team in order to get them uniforms and equipment, and they henceforth become the Ducks. Then he gets the team to believe in themselves by…gerrymandering the districts so that he can steal the star player from another team.

“Wow, that’s a real dick move, Coach.”

The team, now armed with someone who can actually play hockey, goes on to beat their arch nemesis the Hawks. The Hawks, coincidentally, happened to be Gordon’s team when he played PeeWee hockey. It was their mean coach that made Gordon feel so badly about missing a penalty shot that he gave up hockey forever and was forced to become a rich attorney instead. But with the Hawks and their evil coach soundly defeated, the curse is lifted and Gordon decides to quit his job and try out for a minor league hockey team. What an inspirational and misguided career move.

Lesson Learned: No matter how good your uniforms look or how much believing in yourselves you do, you are going to need at least one kid who can actually play the sport at hand. Think one player can’t make that much of a difference? Ask the Cleveland Cavaliers.

And when you have to bench a terrible kid or two to make room for the talent, just explain to these kids that if your team wins, everyone gets a trophy whether they played or not. If these kids are as bad at life as they are at sports, they’re going to need to learn the art of coattail riding. Teach them young.

Soccer: Ladybugs

Can we all take a moment to appreciate what the extras in the background are wearing? The early nineties were truly the golden age of fashion.

Summary: Rodney Dangerfield plays Chester, a man so desperate for a promotion that he tries to get on his boss’ good side by pretending to share his love of soccer. But he does such a good job pretending that his boss pressures him into coaching his daughter’s soccer team, the Ladybugs. If they win the season, Chester could get that promotion. Yup, just how regular business is done. Has anyone in Hollywood actually had a job before?

Chester quickly learns that the team is terrible. With his promotion riding on the success of this girls soccer team (again, what?), he convinces his girlfriend’s son, Matthew, to dress up as a girl and join the team.

Jonathan Brandis, R.I.P.

“Martha” turns out to be the star player and helps turn the team around, even becoming close friends with the boss’ daughter. But when Chester’s girlfriend finds out about the situation, she makes Matthew quit the team right before the championship game. Oh no, how can the Ladybugs beat a team of girls if all they have is girls? They can’t, it seems. They’re down by three at the half, when “Martha” shows up to reveal that she is actually a dude.

After some Crying Game-style puking, everyone is inspired to get back out there and play their hearts out. The Ladybugs win the game, Chester gets his promotion, and the boss’ daughter quickly gets past the whole cross-dressing thing and starts going out with Matthew.

Lesson Learned: Listen, ladies, we’re good at a lot of things. We can have babies, graduate from college at higher rates than men and make the most delicious sandwiches. But we can’t play sports. We let our emotions get in the way of strategy and our brains aren’t big enough to hold all of the rules. So if you find yourself in charge of coaching a team of girls, you need to find yourself a boy. Preferably one with a delicate bone structure that can put on an unconvincing high-pitched voice.

Football: Little Giants

Summary: Rick Moranis plays Danny O’Shea, who has lived his whole life in the shadow of his brother, Al Bundy, who is a local hero and coach of the town’s PeeWee football team, the Cowboys. But when Danny’s daughter Becky, aka “Icebox,” tries out for the Cowboys, she gets cut from the team even though she’s really good. Al Bundy explains that, because she’s a girl, everyone’s worried that she’ll get stumped by a math problem on the way to a game and miss it.

After getting cut, Becky convinces her dad to start a new team called “The Little Giants” to include all the kids who were cut from the Cowboys. Unfortunately, PeeWee football operates under the same rules as the Highlander so there can only be one. The two teams decide to compete in a playoff game to determine who will be Urbania’s team.

The day of the game comes and the whole town shows up to watch for some reason. Apparently Urbania is the most boring place on earth because there is no way all of these people have kids in this game, and who wants to watch children’s sports if you don’t have to? Anyway, the kids play and the Little Giants are losing terribly by halftime. This is partly because Becky, their quarterback, got some pretty sexist advice from her uncle and decided to become a cheerleader instead of playing.

But after an inspirational speech from their coach and Becky’s realization that no amount of spelling words loudly could help her team as much as having an actual quarterback, she joins the team and they come out of halftime ready to win. They pull some trick plays, fake an incident of rabies and fart at the other team. And it works! They win the game.

Lesson Learned: If you don’t have access to a kid who can actually play or, God forbid, your best player is a girl, then you’re going to need to get creative. Find out what these terrible athletes are good at and figure out how to use those skills to your advantage. Have a nerdy kid on your team? He might be good at strategy. A gassy kid? Point him at the other team and let him fart away. Think outside the box.

Unrelated lesson: I certainly hope that it’s too late for Hamsterdam readers to learn this lesson, but here’s something to tell your children. Be nice to the tomboys in your class.

Becky “Icebox” O’Shea: Then and now

Of course, it doesn’t always work out that way. I was pretty nerdy back in school, and I grew up to look just as expected.

Good thing I’m funny!

Baseball: The Bad News Bears

Functional alcoholics make the best role models.

Summary: Walter Matthau plays Morris Buttermaker, former baseball manager and current drinker, who is recruited to coach a new Little League team, the Bears, that is composed of all of the players that were cut from other teams. After their first game, where the Bears give up 26 runs without recording a single out, Morris realizes the situation calls for drastic measures.

Those drastic measures are to go out and recruit two people who can actually play. With them on their team, the Bears start winning games and, amazingly, make it to the championship. That game turns out to be ruthless, and after watching their opponents’ coach freak out on his own son, Morris decides that what really matters is the love of the game. So he pulls his best players to give the benchwarmers a chance to play and they…lose. Obviously. But they win the league title in fun!

Lesson Learned: Go ahead and ignore the previous rules. Make it about fun, give everyone an equal chance to play, worry about players’ feelings. But know this: you will lose.

Overall Lesson/tl;dr: Above all else, believe in yourselves. Unless you want to win, in which case, above all else, get some talent on your team.

Presumptive Movie Reviews

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 21:54:23 -0500

It’s expensive to see movies. It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them. Here’s what’s opening this week.

Rango

I hate everything about this trailer. E-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. I hate that Rango is wearing a Hawaiian shirt. I hate that it looks like Western. I hate that he stumbles into the town and then has to become a Sheriff. I hate that animals are talking. I hate that it’s animated. I hate that Johnny Depp is talking. I hate that it’s going to be released in several thousand theaters. I hate that children will like it. I hate the name “Rango.” ~~I hate foreigners.~~ I hate that this movie will be released on DVD and children will watch it many times over because parents don’t want to hear their kids talk. I hate the sequel. I hate that I hate it so much. I hate that money will exchange hands so people will watch. I hate Rango.
The Adjustment Bureau

What the fuck is this? Matt Damon can’t live his life because there’s a group of people with the Zach Morris power to stop time and rearrange things so they follow a certain career path? And they all dress like the guys from Mad Men? And there’s an actual Mad Men man? Sure? Sure. Just wanted us all on the same page. I’m sure this movie is an interesting take on free will versus God’s Plan which has NEVER been touched upon in film history. I love that “love” is the reason Matt Damon gets off course in his life and it becomes “Do you want to be President or in love?” Eh, I’ll take President because President is pretty cool. Super stressful obvs but pretty cool. In conclusion, Damon decides he wants to be in love and kills all of the Mad Men guys and then becomes President…of the PTA.

Take Me Home Tonight

Topher Grace plays a guy in the 80s trying to bang some broad he really wants to. Honest question, is banging people the only thing that drives men? In every movie the underlying reason for everything seems to be, “I WANT TO BANG AND IF I COMPLETE THIS TASK I WILL BANG.” Maybe I’m just sleepy but is banging the end all be all of our existence? I know it’s a big part but it seems like there is so much more nuisance to life than obsessing about who I can (very tiny list) and cannot (huge list) bang. I’m sure when you are 18 banging seems important, now that I think about it, my whole life was consumed by that notion but then I hit 39 and lost my virginity at a Soul Collective concert and I moved on. Bee-tee-dubs, fuck this movie.

New Movie Trailers

Meeks Cutoff - Live Action Oregan Trail Movie

Attack the Block - Aliens invade a shady part of London.

Detention - Blech.

The Current Events Combine!

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 09:00:00 -0500

We just had what was the 7-layer burrito of weekends, complete with all the intestinal discomfort you could ask for.

Yes, folks, the NFL combine sailed into the harbor with its flag at full mast, and I was there, ready to receive the shipment.

“Wait, Mr. nomics!” you whine, in that nagging voice you can’t help but use, “There were a lot of important things happening in the world this past week! Riots in the Middle East! Wisconsin budget battles! The Oscars!” Seriously, your voice is like fingernails in a pencil sharpener.

But you make a compelling point. There are very, very few things less productive than sitting back and evaluating potential career paths of huge, muscular men based on a bench press or a high jump. So let’s go a little bit country, and a little bit rock & roll on this one. The Current Events Combine!

A few of the big names in the news decided to attend the combine and put on a show for us. Don’t worry, because just like in the NFL Combine, you’ll forget who these guys were in 3 years.

Muammar Gadhafi - LT (Libya)

Height: 6’0 Weight: 182

Vertical jump: 9.5”

40-yard dash: Mumu don’t run from no one!

Wonderlic: 16

Expert’s Angle: Mamma G has been dominating in league play since his 34th redshirt senior season, but there are legitimate questions about both his eligibility and whether he can play with the big boys. Revolution, his first real competition in years, made him look rather pathetic. The only head-turning plays he made at this combine were the calls for violence against his own people. Dude, that’s your own team. Draft Stock: soon to be Undrafted Free Agent.

John Galliano - WR/TE (Great Britain)

Height: 5’4 Weight: 133

Broad jump: From fashion icon to ultra-hated

40-yard dash: 6.8 seconds

3-cone drill: Probably a fan.

Expert’s Angle: Dior’s Galliano showed a lot of gall this weekend, and set combine records in the untimed antisemitism drill. While we don’t expect to see him most Sundays, this could be just the guy that Pat Robertson takes a first-day flyer on (who would’ve thunk it?) Draft Stock: 6th round. Refuses to attend any draft events in New York.

Charlie Sheen - QB (Santa Monica High School)

Height: 5’10 Weight: 185

Bench Press: 62 reps at 225lbs; got bored.

Broad Jump: Many

60-yard shuttle: Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.

Expert’s Angle: CS went to the combine as the biggest star, and he didn’t disappoint. Not only did he demonstrate his great physical skills, but he wowed owners and general managers alike with his smooth talk and levelheadedness. Coaches love that this guy is ready to go out there and immediately start calling his own plays. A can’t-miss prospect if there ever was one. Draft Stock: Top pick.

Scott Walker - DB (Wisconsin)

Height: 6’1 Weight: 195

Wonderlic: Depends on who you ask.

3-cone drill: Declared waste of taxpayer money; performed poorly in 1-cone drill.

Bench Press: 1 rep at 135lbs

Expert’s Angle: Scotty Too Hotty is this year’s Tim Tebow. He’s the guy that coaches either love or hate. There’s no in-between. He acknowledged that he could potentially lose a lot of money showing up to these workouts, so scouts were just happy to see him perform in several pared-down drills, including the 5-yard dash and the vertical stand up. Draft Stock: Anywhere from 2nd to 4th round. He deemed everything from the 5th round onward as “excess fat to be trimmed”.

Geez, the hair in this draft would make Mel Kiper want to off himself.

That’s it from our scouting crew here at the Current Events Combine. Remember, if you want to get your name out there, start a war against your own citizens, or better yet, CBS. And if you can’t be hated, at least be controversial.

I'm Starting a Cult, Who Wants In?

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 07:10:00 -0500

I finished reading “Helter Skelter” over the weekend. Pretty cool book if you enjoy the feeling of hating humanity. However, it has given me the genius idea that I need to start a cult as soon as possible (ASAP).

What I like about cults is the brainwashing aspect. People make brainwashing out to be some horrible thing but if you really aren’t a fan of your brain, is ~~washing~~ cleaning it necessarily a bad thing? I say no. You say yes? YOU DARE DEFY ZOD!?!?!

Sorry, I got ahead of myself.

I know you have a horrible misconception that cults are bad since you only hear about the bad ones like Manson or the one where they all killed themselves. I will institute a strict “NO KILLING” policy. In fact, let me tell you ten things about this cult that will make you say, “wash my brain.”

#1 - We are NOT calling it a cult.

It’s a COMMUNE. We don’t want Satanists and Wiccans because those types will inevitably violate the unspoken “no killing” policy. Actually…

#2 - No Killing.

Let’s make it a spoken policy just in case.

#3 - 66% women 33% men .5% puppies .5% kittens ratio.

This isn’t some polygamy thing, I was never able to juggle two women pre-cult and I’m pretty sure I won’t post-cult. The reason for this ratio is I don’t want too many guys gunning for my position as head of the cult and the dogs and kittens are there to pacify the women. OK, that last part sounded very sexist but if you’ve seen women around baby animals you get it. OK, still sexist but OMGMONKEYKITTEN.

#4 - We’re moving to the desert.

Don’t worry, it’ll be like 20 minutes from Vegas. Gambling is VERY encouraged.

We will all dress like disheveled newspaper men from the 50s and smile weirdly.

#5 - General Philosophy

Free love? Free drugs? Free freedom? No. Free TV? Free ice cream? Fuck and Yes. The vibe I’m going for is college summer vacation. There will be tutorials on how to accurately use Gob Bluthe quotes so non-Arrested Development fans will understand the joke along with seminars on how to insult people on Twitter.

#6 - Pants optional

Actually, a lot of things will be optional: pants, self-worth, proper dietary habits. Only requirements are an appreciation for TNBC, showers, and bad posture.

#7 - We will be called “Infamous Hugs”

To be a legit cult, your name has to sound both standoffish but inclusive. “The Manson Family” and “Heaven’s Gate” are both GREAT names and I applaud their SEO skills. I went with “Infamous Hugs” because, well, shit, that is a really bad name, isn’t it? Sounds like a gay rapper. We’ll work on the name!

#8 - Future Lists will only go to #7

~~Jesus~~ Me, why’d I make this is a list of ten things? Is anyone still reading this? I’m pretty sure I sold most of you on this with the “college summer vibe” and “kittens” but I guess I’ll keep going.

#9 - All arguments will be decided by playing Words with Friends or Angry Birds.

Logic and reasoning have no place in society anymore when all disagreements can be solved using mobile video games.

#10 - Pie day…TWICE A WEEK!

All pie crusts will be this clever.

I have recently started working and the greatest thing about employment is not that million dollar paycheck or seeing how many different types of caffeine I can ingest during the day but it’s bagel day. A $1 bagel with cream cheese gets me up Wednesday mornings. Now, imagine if it was pie? Now imagine if it was Wednesday AND Fridays? Pie two times a week is the perfect balance, once a week is not enough and three times a week means obesity problems and although many of my rules do seem like this is a fat camp, it’s most definitely NOT a fat camp.

So, see you guys there in a few weeks!

Hamsterdam's Official 2011 Guide to the Academy Awards Sponsored by Visa and Reebok

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 17:58:00 -0500

It will suck.

Presumptive Movie Reviews

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 07:04:00 -0500

It’s expensive to see movies. It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them. Here’s what’s opening this week.

Hall Pass

The Farrelly Brothers made some classics, There’s Something About Mary is a top 5 comedy, and they have a string of other movies that I cherish. This sure does look like one I will cherish as well! It has all the makings of things I enjoy: Pam from The Office, Owen Wilson, the other couple, guys being stupid, chain restaurant jokes, guys being into sex more than anything, Joy Baaaayhaaaht, and….wait a second! These are things I liked in 2006! It’s still 2006, right? 2006 takes five years because it’s a leap half-decade so this movie and casting and premise is a great amalgamation of things I love, currently, in 2006. How about that new Danity Kane record? They’ll have some staying power! As will this movie, that will finally prove that men only think with their dicks, even when they are married and in their 30s with very attractive wives who are always incredibly wise and way better from an ethical standpoint than any man could ever be. I’m going to drink some Vitamin Water!

Drive Angry

No. DO NOT drive angry. There must be a thousand better ways to drive: content, jealous, morbid (OK, maybe not morbid). Driving angry is going to lead to a lot of tickets along with the possibility of an accident, do you want to be in an accident? I don’t, so pull off of the road, count to ten, think about the children and Drive Defensively. The film is about a daughter who gets revenge on someone by driving into their face. Neat concept Hollywood. Nic Cage is in it because he’s in everything. Did you know February is generally regarded as the worst month of the year for movies and I’m going to say this movie is a GREAT example of that fact. I wish they’d release a sequel to this movie every year like Saw does in October. Drive Angry 2: Get Me To Dunkin Donuts!, Drive Angry 3D: Our Reservations Were At 8!, Drive Angry 4: Mapquest Took Us Through Bladensburg!, Drive Angry 5: Let’s Just Use Google Maps, Drive Angry 6: I Locked My Keys, Wallet, Phone In The Car, Fuck!

New Movie Trailers

The Hangover 2 - I, and every fellow bro, loved the first one. Not sure how I feel about this one.

A Better Life - Sure.

Best Kitten Video of 2011 So Far - Via TheDailyWhat

Jersey Shore Power Rankings - Week 8

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 21:47:54 -0500

Welcome back to the Jersey Shore Power Rankings. After a two week absence, we’re offering up a double dip to make it up to you. Last week’s episode again featured a lot of poo-talk, which we’ve been over before. We’ve also now entered the post-Sammi era, right? Wrong. Fuck. Sammi apparently has better staying power than Brett Favre and Jason Vorhees combined. So let’s jump right in and get down to business.

The episode opens with The Situation consoling a distraught Ronnie and discussing how awesome he is. You know, for a change.

“Life goes on…if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be…life’s not cookie cutter…I’d rather die standing than live on my knees.” Wow, Mike. That’s deep.

“Some days I’m Uncle Situation, other days I’m Doctor Situation or Chef Situation, Bang-your-girl Situation. I mean, you know, I’m a, just uh, uhhh, a pretty deep dude.” Some big talk here from Situation. We’ll see how this turns out later.

“Listening to Mike about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor about flying a plane.” or….. getting workout tips from Snooki or taking an etiquette class taught by JWOWW or getting relationship counseling from Sammi.

Meanwhile, Sammi is back home with her parents.

“I feel like I’ve been abused.” I find this line from Sammi interesting, considering she PUNCHED HER BOYFRIEND IN THE FACE.

Back at the house, the Meatballs decide to cheer up the house with a little prank.

Meatballs 1, Bromance 0

The boys decide to hide the poop from JWOWW’s dogs under Deena’s pillow.

Considering what we’ve learned about Denna’s sexual proclivities, this might not be the best way to get back at her.

Good times were had by all.

More poop.

Ronnie is sad about what he’s done to Sam.

So he talks it over with the Duck Phone!

For some reason, Jenni and Deena decide to clean out Sammi’s room soooo, something happens? To distract him, the boys take Ron to get a haircut and talk over cleverly constructed metaphors.

How are these people so amazingly messy?

“There’s classes of grenades. It goes grenade, grenade launcher, and then submarine. After the submarine is the tank, and after the tank is the A-Bomb.”

I don’t understand this whole sequence. When the boys come back, JWOWW makes a joke about cleaning a ton and that they should keep it that way. Ronnie assumes that either Sam came and cleaned her room out or someone is screwing with him. JWOWW and Deena act as if they didn’t do anything. They could have just said they cleaned her room out and there wouldn’t have been a problem.

The gang heads out to Karma for some fun.

Deena has to poop (third poop reference in this post, fourth in the episode.)

Bang-your-girl Situation tries to bang Pauly’s ex.

Denied.

This picture is completely unrelated and is more of a public service announcement. Kids, listen up. This is what cocaine looks like.

Saddest picture ever taken.

Snooki finds love?

Deena breaks all stereotypes of drunk girls by keeping it together and not being irrationally sad.

Back at the house, Snooki seems to have found her soul mate. Now she just needs to remember his name.

Believe it or not, Snooki and “Bernard” are still together.

Chef Situation interrupts Vinny getting it in and demands he eats the burger he made for him. This is totally normal and not desperate, sad, or weird in any way.

God, I really hope she’s talking about the burger.

On to the rankings! And also pictures, most of which are when they saw the gross panties that Pauly found in the bathroom.

7. Ronnie

It appears that the only thing worse than relationship Ronnie is sad, single, regretful Ronnie.

6.Snooki

Really wasn’t doing it for me this week.

5. Deena

More action than usual this week.

4. JWOWW

A few more uneventful weeks like this and she could really drop. Still fantastic when drunk.

Sadly, Vin kind of came off pretty stupid this week. Still great though.

2. The Situation

Somewhat of a return to form for Mike. Massive overconfidence plus glaring shortcomings equals hilarious.

1. Pauly

Still the one.

Jersey Shore Power Rankings - Week 7

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 13:16:47 -0500

Sorry for missing out on last week, we drank too much and our butt was bleeding so we were in the hospital. A lot has gone down in the meantime. Ronnie and Sammi are no more HOOOORAAAYYYY!!!! That’s the good news. The bad news is that while their breakup was hilarious and I’m glad it happened, it was also pretty horrifying. Ronnie is clearly destined for some serious domestic violence and we can look forward to seeing his name in the Mitchell Report of Reality TV, right alongside half the cast of the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. We haven’t seen that much violence and crying since we found out they weren’t renewing Kid Nation. Before moving on to the most recent episode, let’s take a quick look back at what happened last week.

The return of Ron Ron Juice!!!

“How could you sit there and look me in the face, watch me cry, and lie to my face?”

“Which time?” Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Esquire.

Sammi dropping bombs.

“Be a woman and man up!”

“I can’t concentrate with all this fighting. They’re talking about relationships and my sneakers are dirty!”

“They’re gonna bang like, soon.”

“Sammi’s like a f****** spider monkey climbing on the bed, with a pit bull lock.”

Deena - “You get the front and I’ll get the back.” Snooki - “You would want the back. Oh wait, that’s me.”

“He had camel toe going on with his penis and everything.” Great work by this idiot to sign off on letting himself be humiliated on national television. Also, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from our years and years of trying to pick up dumb chicks on the boardwalk during the day, it’s that they LOVE Jack Daniels.

We will now begin the photo montage of Ronnie going insane. Presented without comment:

Aaaaaand…scene.

That’s all we have to say about that. Now on to the rankings and a picture that I think is funny.

8. Sammi

The witch is dead(for now) but that burp mid-argument was her greatest moment.

7. Ronnie

Some pretty reprehensible actions this week but damn, for a total moron, the kid has a way of turning any argument to make himself look better.

6. Deena

She’s sort of settled into her role as Snooki’s sidekick.

5. Snooki

Ew. I love you tho.

4. The Situation

One of my favorite things about Mike is that he is 100% convinced that he is a genius. As we will see next week, he thinks that he is the perfect fit for any role. Watching him play both sides of the SamRon saga and try to play some sort of therapist for Ron was great.

3. Vinny

Vinny didn’t have too much to do this week, but he’s just so good at everything he does.

2. JWOWW

I’m really enjoying her relationship with Roger more than I thought I would. You could argue that Drunk JWOWW is the funniest character.

1. DJ Pauly Delvecchio

Without a doubt, consistently the funniest member. He toes the line perfectly between laughing at everyone else (except Vin) and laughing along with them. He’s constantly making jokes at their expense and his own, which is why he seems to be beloved by everyone. He also had what may have been the line of the year as Sammi was about to leave the house for good…

“Cabs are here!”

Muammar al-Gaddafi: A Critical Analysis

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 09:33:00 -0500

It’s been an exciting week here in America. Cheese-heads are protesting in Wisconsin, NBA players are jumping over cars, and Congressmen are sending creepy pictures all over the internet.

Furries deserve representation too! [Ed. Note: No, they don’t]

But in case you haven’t been paying attention, some wild stuff is happening over on the other side of the world. In the wake of the overthrow of regimes in Tunisia and Egypt, protesters across the Middle East and Africa are taking to the streets calling for democratic reforms.

Nowhere have these protests taken a more serious turn than in Libya. Reports out of Libya have been sketchy, but in various places it has been reported that tens of thousands of people are in the streets, that there are mass defections of Libyan diplomats and military figures to the sides of the protesters, that the military and mercenaries were attempting to brutally suppress the protests, and entire swaths of the country are no longer under government control.

One thing we do know is that to defuse the situation and convince his people to chill out, Muammar Gaddafi, Libya’s dictator for 41 years, gave an internationally televised speech.

He certainly dressed to impress. And he has shown the ability to give mind-blowing speeches before. Did he finally put all these rabble-rousers in their place? Will they finally go back to pounding sand for a living like they did back in the good old days? Let’s take a look at some of his main bullet-points and their probable effectiveness:

“You men and women who love Gaddafi … get out of your homes and fill the streets…. Leave your homes and attack them in their lairs…. Starting tomorrow the cordons will be lifted, go out and fight them.”

Analysis: First of all, A+ for referring to himself in the third person. We see here that Gaddafi isn’t going to cave to the protests like the pansy-ass leaders of Tunisia and Egypt did. He isn’t going to listen to them. No, he is going to fight them. Well, have his surrogates fight them by attacking them in their lairs. It is a bold strategy, but risky. He needs a strong speech the rest of the way to send the protesters back into their lairs and inspire the lair-seeking beaters to start seeking out the lairs for the beatings.

Characterizing the protesters as rats and drug addicts who are controlled by bearded men

Analysis: Insulting the protesters is another bold move. I think of it like trash talk in a basketball game; maybe by insulting your opponents you can get inside their heads and get them off their game. The bearded men conspiracy theory is more likely to confuse than enrage, however. He should have stuck with the time-honored “yo’ mama” line of attack. As is, his insults merely distract from his central thesis. Whatever that may be.

“People in front of tanks were crushed. The unity of China was more important than those people on Tiananmen Square…. When Tiananmen Square happened, tanks were sent in to deal with them. It’s not a joke. I will do whatever it takes to make sure part of the country isn’t taken away.”

Analysis: I’m glad he told me it’s not a joke, because the image of tanks crushing people had me in stitches. He’s getting too far afield here. People don’t want a history lesson, they want inspiration!

“You can demonstrate peacefully as long as your demonstrations are in protest at what is happening in Gaza or Iraq, not against what is happening in your own country.”

Analysis: No, no, no. The cardinal rule of negotiation is “don’t negotiate with yourself,” and that’s what he’s doing here. He started off the speech by promising to beat them into their lairs like the rats and pawns of bearded men that they are, now he’s already conceding that they can protest the Iraq war (P.S.- an Iraq war protest? That is so 2004, no way are the Libyans buying that one). Give an inch, and people will take a mile. All of that credibility he built up earlier with the outfit and the tough talk is just wasted away.

Final verdict: Gaddafi had a chance with this speech to stem the tide of freedom and democracy once and for all. But he couldn’t deliver. Thus, the people of Libya rendered their verdict:

Five Car Accessories that Make People Hate You

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 12:02:00 -0500

You’re driving along, feeling pretty good about yourself. It’s a beautiful day, and you’ve got your NOW That’s What I Call Music! 84 album blasting the latest Ke$ha song (by the way, in this scenario, you are a tool). But as traffic slows, you notice that people around you aren’t in quite as good moods. Glaring, shaking their heads, sneering with disgust - all, it seems, in your direction.

What’s going on?

Who knows, really. They could be having bad days, sick of being in the car, late for something important. But if you have one of the following accessories on your car, then this collective scorn may well be directed at you. And, I’m sorry to say, you deserve it.

Name this movie and you win my undying respect.

5. Decals/custom paint jobs

The Ed Hardy Smart Car: For the douchebag who has everything

If you have gone so far as to get flames, or stars, or an Ed Hardy design painted on your car, then I’m sure I’m not the first person to tell you that you are the worst. And if I am the first, then I hate to say it, but your friends are the worst, too. You need to repaint your car and get better friends.

4. Underbody lights

Oh my God, it’s a UFO! Wait, no, it’s just a crappy car with some lights under it. My mistake.

I’m not totally clear on why this is a thing, but I’ve said the same thing about the other two phenomena to gain popularity after they appeared in Fast and the Furious, Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. I actually went so far as to search in car forums for why people do this, and the only answer I could find to the question “Why?” was “Because it looks mad hot.” So that at least explains why people glare at you. Because they assume you are just like that guy.

3. Truck nuts

Hmm…the metaphor is still a little unclear…

I don’t understand how we live in a world where two gay men holding a baby gets a family shield “to protect the children,” but it’s cool for those same children to see a silver scrotum hanging from a passing vehicle. Florida is the only state to even attempt a ban on this accessory, but the legislation only succeeded in creating a lot of “America’s wang bans nuts” jokes and eventually the effort died out.

I just hope that people come to their senses before they take this metaphor to its logical conclusion:

2. Lift kits

“Whoa, that guy must be really well-endowed.” - Everyone, in this driver’s imagination

Let’s get one thing straight about lift kits. I do not understand them. So if there’s a perfectly logical reason for someone to drive a car at the same height as a bus or low-flying aircraft, then I apologize. But from my close-to-the-ground perspective, you look like a jerk. A jerk who is hard to see around.

1. Bumper stickers

Look, guy, if the Rapture happens I’ve got a lot more to worry about than a few unmanned minivans. I’ve signed up to watch dozens of your pets.

I hate bumper stickers. I don’t care what they say, what they support, or whether I am in total agreement on the subject. You could be driving around with a bumper sticker that says, “I enjoy pizza and the movies of Bill Murray” and I would still think you are a jag.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about why I have such a visceral negative reaction to them in the 20 minutes that I’ve been writing this blog post, and I think I’ve finally figured it out.

There are almost seven billion people in the world. I have meaningful relationships with, let’s say, 50 of them. That means that I care about the opinions, values and perceptions of .000000737% of the global population. So not only do I not care about what the driver of the Toyota Corolla in front of me feels about the stimulus plan, it bothers me that he even wants to tell me.

I will not be swayed by your pithy pro-gun sentiments, no matter how bulletproof the logic of “If guns kill people, do pencils misspell words?” is. I also do not need to know that you are the proud owner of an Irish Setter that you believe to be smarter than my honor student. All I need to know is why you’ve been going 40 in the left lane with your right blinker on for 15 miles. So if you had a bumper sticker that says, “I am a bad driver” or “I’m not paying any attention” then I would still hate you, but at least the information would be accurate and relevant.

Back in the day, cartoons were full of assholes.

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 10:10:00 -0500

If you ask a kid why they love Saturdays, you’ll probably get one of two responses:

It is the weekend
It is not a weekday

The average kid is stupid on a number of fronts (can’t perform surgery, can’t drive, can’t hold down a steady job), but they usually understand the concept of “Saturday” pretty well. A whole day dedicated to doing whatever you want, and a whole morning dedicated to cartoons and sugary indoctrination.

The Jets: fun-lovin’ Kool Aid endorsers, or actual musicians? You decide.

I had what was likely a stereotypical (not in the racist way) Saturday morning routine for a child of the 80s/90s: wake up at 7am, grab a bowl of cereal, and spend the next 5 hours glued to the television. Cartoons were your other teachers, the ones you didn’t mind seeing Saturday morning, and whose only homework requirements were to play with action figures following each episode.

Clockwise, from top left: Reading, Social Studies, Recess, and BASIC.

Often, cartoons imparted valuable life lessons upon us, some even going as far as to include PSAs. Unfortunately, I don’t know of even one that included the most important advice a child can ever receive: don’t be an asshole.

Cartoons were chock full of assholes. Know-it-alls, slimeballs, show-boaters, and talking animals - I could go on for weeks. Hell, most of the assholes were technically the good guys. We here at Hamsterdam decided to highlight a few that make for good representatives of the whole bunch. Jerks.

Ace McCloud (Centurions)

Identified as: Daring air operations expert

Telltale asshole signs: playboy attitude, sarcasm, flight capabilities

The dish: Looking back on this show, Ace’s devil-may-care attitude probably made it harder for the team to apprehend Doc Terror. This should’ve been a miniseries, but somehow was extended to 65 episodes. Why give a guy a jetpack and missiles if he’s going to be lackadaisical for 64 of them? This only ended up reinforcing my notion that I wouldn’t have to work as hard as everyone else since I was also blond.

Orson Pig (U.S. Acres, Garfield and Friends)

Identified as: Pig; leader of the farm animals

Telltale asshole signs: worrywart, stickler for the rules, avid reader

The dish: I’ll be damned if I can identify a more persnickety character in the Saturday morning cartoon lineup. Remember the kid that would remind the teacher that homework is due? His middle name was probably Orson, or at least Pig. Orson was always concerned about doing things the right way - a 180 from Ace McCloud, which probably makes him an even bigger asshole. If you have a friend try to lead you down the path to righteousness through either fable or fairy tale, tell them to keep their kindle to themselves.

Beavis and Butt-head (Beavis and Butt-head)

Identified as: “the tall one” and Cornholio.

Telltale asshole signs: moronic behavior, disgusting behavior, violent behavior…well, just a lot of behavioral problems.

The dish: Few cartoons are worthy of commentary extending outside the show itself, but I think Beavis and Butt-head merits it. This is one of only a handful of cartoons that I would characterize as “revolutionary” - and there honestly hasn’t been anything like it since. Innovative and willing to take on the establishment, both of which I like. And while those are positives, this show seemed to harness something very, very awful in its audience. Mike Judge basically turned an entire generation of teenagers into idiots in the mid-90s with characters that showed an affinity for poop jokes, heavy metal, violence, and pyromania. He has to shoulder at least some of the blame for that. I give kids these days a lot of old man gruff for their hip-hop and their Twilight, but imagine being a parent 15 years ago and having to deal with a son that aspired to be like this. These guys are definitely high on the asshole list.

Bluegrass (Silverhawks)

Identified as: Colonel Bluegrass; the cowboy.

Telltale asshole signs: Seriously?

The dish: Fashion statements have a way of going horribly awry in space. But this one takes the cake. It’s almost like an animator traveled back in time 25 years to bring us the superhero equivalent of George W. Bush. There are like five separate levels of ridiculousness packed into this single character. I can’t even look away.

What To Do If You Don't Like The New Radiohead Album

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 06:58:00 -0500

1. Panic

=

There are few times when you are allowed to legitimately panic, such as your spouse was in a car accident and you don’t know the extent of their injuries or when you are really really hungry. After digesting the entire album twice (you don’t just listen to Radiohead you heathens, you consume it like a fine wine), if you still find yourself going, “Why am I not questioning my existence in modern society? Why do I feel just as happy as I did when I started listening to this album? Why do I not feel the need to go on the Internet and tell everyone they are wrong about their musical tastes?” then most definitely begin to panic.
2. Research

Get on Twitter, get on Facebook, see what your friends are saying. Don’t actually ask anyone in real life what they think because none of your real friends “get” Radiohead, just you and some really “tuned in” guys in Wisconsin and Oxford you know via a list-serve back in college. If none of their twitter feeds say anything definitive, just “KING OF LIMBS!!!!!” or “JUST DOWNLOADED!!!!!!” then check the comments section of stereogum or brooklynvegan to test the waters and get a general consensus. If the consensus is positive, then listen to it 10 more times until you are “tuned in” but if it’s mixed reviews, continue to #3.

3. Don’t tell ANY non-Radiohead fan you don’t like the record.

People who hate Radiohead are pretty much subhuman. I understand that people don’t like them, but to begrudge the people who do like them is pretty much saying, “I hate things that are really good that I happen to just not like.” I hate many things, but there are often times I can recognize something is good even though I dislike it immensely (No Country For Old Men, steak, Kobe Bryant). So the best way to rile them is to always say you love whatever Radiohead does because to give someone the satisfaction of being correct when they are being an asshole about it is the worst (see every relationship ever).

3a. Don’t tell ANY Radiohead fan you don’t like the record.

The only thing worse than fanatical Radiohead haters are fanatical Radiohead fans who feel the need to prove their fanhood by out-fanning you. “Oh, you like The Bends more than Amnesiac? That’s cool. I did too when I was a freshman … in high school.” It’s so much fun to talk about things you enjoy with a fellow fan so just say you like it and smile as they expound on the contextualization hierarchy of the lyrics or some other collage of words that sounds smart but doesn’t make sense.

4. Do NOT listen to old Radiohead albums.

If you are told to judge how attractive two people are and they stand side by side, their flaws and positives are more easily recognizable. If you are told to judge how attractive two people are but using photos that you see a month apart from each other, it’s harder to see the flaws. You get what I’m saying? Great! Oh, one guy doesn’t … it’s always that one guy. Basically if you listen to Kid A after The King of Limbs you are going to be PISSED so rather than throw PISSED on top of your disappointment, just be disappointed and listen to this, it’s basically Radiohead equivalent.

~~5. Start an Internet rumor that a companion album will be released VERY soon.~~

Wallowing in your own sadness about how bad the new album sounds is so unfulfilling compared to wallowing in your sadness about how great the new album is so the best thing to do is be pro-active about your hallow sadness. Start by finding an obscure website and posting a theory that since Kid A and In Rainbows had other albums come out a few months after, they will HAVE to do that for King of Limbs and oh my God I’m actually convincing myself that would happen.

5. Nap.

It really solves all of life’s problems.

Presumptive Movie Reviews

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 06:45:00 -0500

It’s expensive to see movies. It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them. Here’s what’s opening this week.

Big Momma’s House 3: Like Father, Like Who Cares

I know everyone tries to marginalize Dave Chappelle by calling him “crazy” but I enjoyed his questioning of why every black actor eventually dresses up like a woman for a movie. While he never says directly “why” he thinks it happens so often, I will; seeing a black man stripped of his masculinity is for funny for Americans regardless of race. Now, I don’t think everyone seeing Big Momma is a racist (they do have bad taste) but there needs to be an underlying reason why EVERY gifted black comic has tried on a dress, right? A stereotype, one that black America somewhat perputrates, is that black men are super-masculine; they are athletic, have huge dongs, and don’t mind getting into a fight so to see them stripped of all of these things is hilarious? Perhaps, I don’t really know, it’s just weird in 2011 there’s this genre of movie that still exists and that people, both black and white, are a fan of it. PS: This looks like a soul abortion.
Unknown

You know why George Lucas sucks huge cocks? Sorry. That was pretty homophobic. You know why George Lucas is fucking garbage? He made Liam Neeson look like a huge pussy. Sorry. That was pretty sexist. Liam seems to only want to do movies where he has a very special skill set and will use it to free his daughter or find out who his real identity so why didn’t Georgey have the foresight to use Liam’s very special acting skill set and make him an actual badass in the first Star Wars prequel instead of a talking fortune cookie? “These aren’t the horrible lines of dialogue you are looking for.” I have no idea what this movie could be about, it’s just a vehichle for Liam to say some badass things and then hurt people. Cool. Hurting people is super cool and I’ve never seen it accomplished in movies. Here’s your Oscar Mr. Neeson. Here’s my middle finger Mr. Lucas.

I Am Number Four

Any title that starts, “I Am…” I love for some reason. It’s such a stupid and obvious convention but dammit, you got me interested in what the hell is going on with the number four. What’s up with his mind state? Being number four is rough I imagine. First, he (I’m assuming the number four is a he) just missed out in being top three so anyone who gets fourth place during the Olympics might as well have come in 45th. He’s the first whole number that can be divided (or in my mind, defeated) by another whole number and lose value (4 / 2 = 2 for the nerds). When looking at the calender, the 4th day of the week is Wednesday, hump day, not the worst but certainly not the best. April? An OK month, start of Spring, no sports really, lots of rain. 4 is the most angular of all the numbers, just a poorly drawn triangle really. So this movie is four’s big chance to put his footprint down and show people, “I MATTER” which is hard for numbers to do since they are numbers and lack feet.

New Movie Trailers

Mars Needs Moms - If they took my Mom I’d have NO problem nuking those fuckers..

Thor - He’s hot.

Limitless - L O L.

Film School: What to do if you find yourself in a marriage-like situation with someone you hate

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 16:33:00 -0500

According to Hollywood and daytime talk shows, there is a decent chance that at some point in your life you will end up living with, married to, or pretending to be married to someone you despise. These chances go up astronomically if you’re a strong, independent, career-minded woman over the age of 30 or an irresponsible, fun-loving guy.

And while loveless marriages may not sound funny, they are a goldmine for phoned-in romantic comedies. Let’s look at a few of these films and examine what they can teach us about marriage, love, and the ridiculous reasons people find themselves in both.

It’s hard to tell who I feel worse for because it’s hard to decide who I hate more.

Marriage by Court Order: What Happens in Vegas

Summary: What Happens in Vegas stars Ashton Kutcher, an irresponsible, fun-loving carpenter, and Cameron Diaz, a strong, independent, career-minded stockbroker (excellent casting). The two meet in Vegas, where they get drunk and get married. This is, of course, a zany mistake since these two opposites could never be romantically involved.

They’re just too different!

So it’s off to the annulment store (I’ve never been to Vegas, but that sounds real). But on the way there, Ashton borrows a quarter from Cameron to play a slot machine and wins 3 million dollars! Now the hilarity will surely ensue.

Not really. But what does ensue is a lot of fighting over that money. They end up in court, where the Honorable Dennis Miller sentences them to “six months hard marriage.” Haha, good sentence, Judge Miller! That sounds like a very legal punishment. At the end of the six months, they can each get half of the money.

Instead of just sucking it up and living together peacefully for six months, they both try to sabotage the other by fooling the other person into having affairs or missing counselor appointments (which they have to go to so they can prove they’re committed to making their vodka-induced marriage work). Through this, they realize that they’re both terrible people, so they decide to be terrible together and live happily ever after.

Lesson Learned: Marrying for money is wrong, but if you marry in a drunken blackout and stay married for money, things might just work out.

Relationship by Last Request: Life as We Know It

Summary: Katherine Heigl plays a strong, independent, career-minded bakery owner who gets set up on a blind date with Josh Duhamel, an irresponsible, fun-loving sports director. They hate each other. The end.

I wish. The friends that fix them up get married, have a baby and die in a car accident. Oh well, so it goes.

Mufasa gets it.

In their will, these friends have dictated that K.H. and J.D. should move into their home and assume custody of their child. Wow, grieving for your friends must be a little easier now that you know they were huge jerks. As someone who considers house-sitting a pretty big inconvenience, you better believe I expect people to run it by me if they want me to raise their baby. And in the process of choosing suitable guardians, these two people never thought that wanting to be guardians might be a good qualification?

Guess what, Baby Hitler’s parents? You guys are no longer the worst. Congrats!

Despite the major upheaval it causes, K.H. and J.D. agree to this. And then there’s the usual. Bicker, bicker, bicker, baby, baby, baby. In the end, they fall in love and live in their dead friends’ house and raise their dead friends’ child and there is just nothing creepy about any of it.

Lesson Learned: If children are involved, regardless of whether they’re yours, stay together for them. Kids need to be raised by two adults, no matter who they are, how they were chosen or whether they are awful at both parenting and being people. Also, children can bring any couple closer together.

Your significant other will be easier to love once you’ve seen them with poo on their face.

Engagement by Immigration Laws: The Proposal

Summary: Sandra Bullock is a strong, independent, career-minded editor. Ryan Reynolds is her assistant, who also really wants to be an author but no one takes him seriously because of his hair (I’m assuming).

Sandra Bullock’s character, it turns out, is an illegal alien who has crossed the border from Canada to use up our resources, take our jobs and have a bunch of anchor babies. She probably doesn’t even speak English! Actually she does, but regardless, her visa is expired and she’s going to be deported back to Canada.

When are we going to build that wall and stop this invasion?

To avoid this terrible fate, she gets Ryan Reynolds to marry her so she can get a green card. In exchange, he’ll get promoted to editor and she’ll publish his book. Don’t worry, it won’t look suspicious. It’ll just look like a wife giving major professional advantages to her new husband. Yay, nepotism!

Before they get married, they first go to visit Ryan Reynold’s family in Alaska. It’s all very kooky and fish-out-of-water for Sandra Bullock, even though her character is from Canada which I consider part of Alaska due to my ethnocentrism.

Anyway, they swap two or three pieces of personal information and fall in love. Sandra Bullock almost gets deported but doesn’t (phew) because Ryan Reynolds stops her from leaving and proposes for real. And the immigration officer believes it because they are highly trained by the government to spot true love.

Lesson learned: Remember, being married to anyone, no matter how much you hate them, is better than being forced to live in Canada.

From all of these movies, one truth seems to emerge:

Overarching Lesson: If you find yourself in a marriage with a person you hate, stick it out. If you wait long enough, you two will realize that you are soul mates and the circumstances through which you discovered this will become the hilarious story that your friends are so sick of hearing.

How to Be Good at Things: Email

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 09:00:00 -0500

Allow me to wax philosophical for a moment. According to my very precise calculations,

1. There was some measure of time during which I hadn’t yet been born

2. There is some measure of time in which I will cease to be.

Between these two large bosoms of nothingness, I motorboat my way through this thing called existence, doing primarily one thing: hanging out on the internet, writing emails.

If “online” was a house, this would be your front porch. And I think I just saw a kid light a bag of poo on fire. I’ve ~~coped with the fact~~ learned that being great at email will not earn one fame, fortune, or love outside of Nigeria. It’s a shame, really, because I’m easily a top-10 emailer on Earth.

If you’re not familiar with email, it’s not because of some great technological and economic divide preventing your undeveloped state from building enough infrastructure to provide internet service. No, it’s because you are younger than 15 and you are busy as hell texting your bff.

brb g2g fail mth tst lolz ^o^

Email is baseball to texting’s football. A Bordeaux to texting’s shots. Not always better, but it requires more patience, and a willingness to observe and learn. Once you realize that internet shorthand only gets you so far, you too can become good at email, like me. Soon you will be CC’ing with the best of them.

I’ve identified the greatest hurdles to email stardom. I’m not afraid to tell it like it is, get you all the facts, so that you can eventually learn how to paypal me money. In the meantime, consider this an IOU.

And now, your biggest obstacles to becoming good at email:

1. You join mailing lists.

This cartoon has no legs and it is freaking me out.

Once in a while, you decide it will benefit you to share your email address with some type of business or organization. Question: is 10% off a Southwestern Skillet-Fried Asian Salad at Ruby Tuesday’s really worth the twice-daily email blast? Well, at least you can eat that crap. Try justifying daily emails from Pottery Barn. You can’t.

I get at least 10 of these email blasts from random companies and organizations each week. It’s basically the email hydra: as soon as you unsubscribe from one, two more pop up. If you get more than 10, your life is over. And you are automatically signed up for the Bad@email Club. “But I’m the one receiving those emails!”, you say.

2. You forward emails.

Seriously, don’t do this. You have no idea how awful you make life for others.

3. You are old.

1337 grandmas, because 1336 wouldn’t be enough.

As adisclaimer, I just want to reiterate that kids are the absolute worst when it comes to any form of communication. But if you spent at least 30 years of your life not using the internet, chances are that you’re not very good at email. Personal emails have a style all their own - looser than a handwritten letter, and less awkward than a phone call every 6 months. Older internet users can’t seem to grasp this. Emails from older people follow one of three paths:

Update on everything under the sun. Listen, I don’t want a life story, especially since yours will be rather long.
Attempt at internet slango in order to look cool.
Chain emails.

Again, all are an improvement over texting. But that’s a low bar to set. You’re probably just better off calling at this point.

4. You have a Blackberry.

When you send email from a portable device, it is a recipe for failure. That’s how texting was invented, you know. Yes, you can afford a nice phone, or maybe you have a prestigious job to be tied to a Blackberry at all times. But something’s got to give. And that something in 99% of all cases is your ability to spell, manage simple sentence structure, or spend longer than 30 seconds responding.

I know what you’re thinking…and yes, you are a racist.

Basically, it boils down to this: if you’re not going to bother to sit down to compose an email, you won’t care about any of the subtleties that change writing from simple communication into an artform.

5. You are filing a complaint.

A great way to diminish your email performance is to be angry. Even when you’ve had time to flesh out a letter complaining about a product or service, you come off as an unlikeable, unsympathetic ninny. Yea, a ninny. It doesn’t matter if your 1337 grandmother just got botulism - don’t email Campbell’s about expired soup. No good can come of this. Ha! No good can - get it?

Well, that’s about it for the free tips. Feel free to text me your comments and thoughts. Or maybe just call? You never call anymore.

The 10 Most Disturbing Love Songs

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 10:48:00 -0500

It’s Valentine’s Day, and ~~commercialism~~ love is in the air. But sometimes that love is expressed through music that crosses the thin line between romance and total insanity. Here are my picks for the ten most disturbing love songs of all time.

10. Every Breath You Take - The Police

There’s not much to say that hasn’t already been said about Sting’s Ballad of the Stalker, but I had to include it on this list because it really is one of the most genuinely alarming songs to ever break the top 40.

Cringiest line: “Can’t you see, you belong to me

And how my poor heart aches, with every breath you take.”

I could definitely see that line written in blood at the scene of a murder-suicide.

9. You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield

Giiiiiiirl, you have got to get yourself together. You are too thin and too blonde to be begging men to stay with you like this. This song, one of the most desperate pleas in music history, feels like it should end with the number to a suicide hotline.

Cringiest Line: “Don’t you see, that now you’ve gone and I’m left here on my own,

That I have to follow you and beg you to come home.”

No, what you have to do is call some friends, go out for oversized margaritas, post some passive-aggressive things on Facebook and then declare to everyone you talk to that you’re “so over it.” Following and begging should play no part in it.

8. Into the Night - Benny Mardones

Oh my. This song is basically To Catch a Predator set to music.

Cringiest Line: “She’s just sixteen years old, leave her alone, they say.

Separated by fools, who don’t what love is yet.”

Oh, those fools who make statutory rape laws. They just don’t know the beautiful love that can exist between minors and grown men in dimly lit alleys. There’s a lot to say about this song, but I don’t think anyone sums it up better than Youtube commenter jhohcable, who claims “This is the best song about nailing underage girls ever written. It is beautiful.”

7. Bed of Roses - Bon Jovi

Granted, I don’t know the situation that these two people have worked out, and maybe it works for them, but Bon Jovi mentions several other women in “Bed of Roses.” This seems like one of those romantic ballads that starts out sweet and ends with a drive down to the free clinic for a battery of tests.

Cringiest Line: “Now as you close your eyes, know I’ll be thinking about you.

While my mistress she calls me, to stand in her spotlight again.

Tonight, I won’t be alone, but you know that don’t mean I’m not lonely.”

Declarations of love should never wrap up with the casual mention that the declarer is about to go sleep with someone else. Also, I doubt very many women really want to be told that they’re being thought about during that.

6. Invisible - Clay Aiken

I chose most of these songs based on how it would feel to have the lyrics said to you in a conversation. This one, for example, would result in an instant restraining order.

Cringiest Line: “If I was invisible, then I could just watch you in your room.

If I was invincible, I’d make you mine tonight.”

Nope, not cool, Clay. I know it’s not the intended effect, but all I can think of when I hear this is Hollow Man, and I resent any song for making me relive that.

5. To Be With You - Mr. Big

I couldn’t embed the real video, so please enjoy this karaoke music video of this song from 1996.

Guys, here’s a tip: If you like a woman, and you really want to be with her, maybe you shouldn’t allude to how many men she’s been with when you tell her that you’d like to be next. Definitely don’t use the phrase, “waited on a line.” No woman wants to feel like the take-a-number system at a deli.

Cringiest Lyric: “Hold on little girl, show me what he’s done to you.

Stand up little girl, a broken heart can’t be that bad.”

Oh yeah, and don’t call women “little girl” when you address them. Unless they are, in fact, little girls, in which case see my response to Benny Mardones above.

4. Nothing Compares 2 U - Sinead O’ Connor

Oh man, remember when you broke up with your first boyfriend or girlfriend, and your friends tried to cheer you up but they couldn’t because how could you ever be happy again after the most amazing two months EVER and no one could possibly know how this feels and GET OUT OF MY ROOM, MOM! Well, that’s basically this song. They even went so far as to put the title in textese before that was even a thing. Very forward thinking.

Cringiest Line: “Went to the doctor and guess what he told me, guess what he told me,

He said girl you better try to have fun no matter what you do. But he’s a fool.”

You’re complaining to your doctor about this? Do you ever stop talking about it? Ugh, no wonder your friends have abandoned you to sing alone into a camera.

3. Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill

You know how everyone went through their “poetry phase”? When you just had so many feelings that you had to share with the world, so you filled a spiral notebook with poems that you promptly hid at the bottom of a drawer? This song feels like it was unearthed from some 8th grader’s poetry notebook. It’s so jam-packed with cliches and metaphors, and sometimes, as in the line below, they get out of hand.

Cringiest Lyric: “At times I think we’re drifters, still searching for a friend.

A brother or a sister, but then the passion flairs again.”

Ew. Just…ew.

2. How Am I Supposed to Live Without You? - Michael Bolton

Let’s get one thing straight about the above video. He’s definitely singing this ballad from his ex-girlfriend’s apartment, and she is either not there or already murdered. Can you imagine anything worse than coming home to find your ex-boyfriend, Michael Bolton, sulking around your apartment? I mean, other than being murdered by your ex-boyfriend, Michael Bolton, while he sings this song, obviously.

Cringiest Lyric: “So tell me all about it, tell me ‘bout the plans you’re making.

Tell me one thing more, before I go,

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you?”

UGH. This conversation is gonna be a doozy. “O.K., I get it, you’ve moved on. But hey, just one question before I head out…HOW WILL YOU FEEL WHEN I KILL MYSELF?” Pull yourself together, Michael Bolton. And give your ex her key back.

1. All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You - Heart

YIKES. Whenever people talk about the trash that gets played on the radio these days, I point out that this song, about a woman who picks up a hitchhiker and seduces him so she can have and raise his baby with her infertile husband, was played all the time in the early 90s. I must have heard this song hundreds of times before its meaning dawned on me at an age that I am in no way embarrassed to admit (25).

Cringiest Line: “And in the morning when he woke, all I left him was a note.

I told him I am the flower, you are the seed.

We walked in the garden, we planted a tree.

Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare.

Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there.”

What a confusing experience for that young hitchhiker. A one-night stand followed by a note that looks like it was pulled from Dan Hill’s poetry notebook. A. How is he going to find you? You didn’t even exchange names. B. Why would he find you? You have some pretty serious psychological problems. Sperm banks definitely existed in 1990. C. Is he supposed to understand from this that you just tricked him into making a baby? Because that metaphor is confusing.

All right, those are my choices for the most disturbing love songs, but as someone has already pointed out to me, they’re not super current. (What, music after 2003? Are they still making that?) So please add your selections to the comments, I’d love to hear your favorite examples of love songs gone horribly awry.