February 4th, 2011

Presumptive Football Reviews: Super Bowl XLV

It’s expensive to throw a Super Bowl party. Snacks, beer, sheets of graph paper for that awful squares game, homemade turducken, etc. It’s not expensive to just drink alone while simulating the game on whatifsports.com, read the box score, and pretend that’s what actually happened. 

And since the overarching themes of Hamsterdam so far appear to be living in fantasy worlds and drinking alone, that’s what we’re going to do. So pardon me while I crack my second Simpler Times of this paragraph, it’s time to do some serious football simulating.

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January 21st, 2011

Presumptive Football Reviews: Conference Championships

It’s expensive to gamble on football. Here at Hamsterdam we would NEVER endorse gambling on football; in fact, most of us don’t even know what a pointspread is. It’s not expensive to simulate the games on whatifsports.com, read the box scores, and pretend that’s what actually happened.

We’ll simulate each of our remaining championship contenders against a common opponent, with margin of victory determining who will advance in this weird little tournament. This week we’ll get to see how Darrell Revis, Aaron Rodgers, Devin Hester, and Shaun Suisham would do against the vaunted 1972 Miami Dolphins.

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January 21st, 2011

NFL Playoff Gambling Halp Week 3: Here We Go Again, Again

600 million people watched the Jets/Patriots game.  Pretty cool, I know this guy was excited about it.  I use to prefer the AFC/NFC Championship weekend to the other playoff weekends but not so much anymore.  Four games are better than two and it gives me four opportunities to say, “I should treat myself with a sandwich” and really that’s what life is now, finding special TV moments to I say, “I should treat myself with a sandwich.”  On to the games!

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January 14th, 2011

NFL Playoff Gambling Halp Week 2: The Revenge

That was a mildly exciting week of wild card games.  What is exciting is that HALF of the Hamsterdam writers’ favorites teams play in one game this week!  Did that make sense?  Probably not.  Fhyrew and StrO’s Baltimore Ravens take on Nineninety’s Pittsburgh Steelers in the most important NFL rivalry if you ask people in Baltimore and Pittsburgh.  If you asked anyone in any other part of the country about this game they’d be wondering why an arena team from Baltimore is playing in the NFL.

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January 14th, 2011

Presumptive Football Reviews - Divisional Round

It’s expensive to go to playoff football games. It’s not expensive to simulate the games on Whatifsports.com, read the box scores, and pretend that’s what actually happened. And if you’re a Jets fan, that might actually be better than watching Antonio Cromartie try to cover New England receivers.

For my 2010 NFL playoff preview, I’ll be doing something a little different.* I’m not going to give you some half-hearted X’s and O’s analysis from someone who learned everything he knows from Madden video games. I won’t be comparing each playoff team to a Rocky movie and using horribly sexist analogies. I’m going to predict the NFL playoff results using only results from WhatIfSports.com.

*By different I mean shamelessy borrowed from Carson Cistulli of fangraphs.com.

This week’s common opponent are the very first Super Bowl champions, the 1966 Green Bay Packers. The Pack were led by superstar coach Vince Lombardi and quarterback Bart Starr. Lombardi is most famous for his quote, “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing, other than smoking four packs of cigarettes a day and complaining about rock n’ roll music.” Starr was under center for five championships with the Packers, but he was most famous for sending dong photos to young Green Bay interns. It was a totally different process then; you had to get the film developed, go to the post office, etc. The whole thing took weeks; Starr was a real dong-pic pioneer.

The Packers were a juggernaut that season, with a 12-2 regular season record. They scored the fourth-most points in the league and allowed the fewest. The secondary was incredible, allowing only 7 passing touchdowns and picking off 28 passes. After knocking off Dallas in the NFC championship they blew out the Kansas City Chiefs in the first ever Super Bowl by a final of 35-10. The loss was so devasting to Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt that he went home and beat his daughter for inventing the Super Bowl, which she had named after her “Super Ball” toy.

Bart Starr, just having fun out there.


Baltimore Ravens 20, Green Bay Packers 34 (-14)

Pittsburgh Steelers 12, Green Bay Packers 0 (+12)

Green Bay’s defense kept the Steelers out of the end zone, only allowing 4 Shaun Suisham field goals to Roethlisberger & co. But they got NOTHING going offensively, and were shut out. They played like actual champions against the Ravens, as Jim Taylor ripped off 156 yards on the ground. Joe Flacco really struggled, as he was picked off 3 times by guys who probably owned Benny Goodman records.

Green Bay Packers 14, New York Jets 9 (-5)

New England Patriots 22, Green Bay Packers 20 (+2)

Not a good sign for Jets fans when the franchise quarterback is outplayed by a 6’1”, 197-lb guy who was drafted in the 17th round. (17th! Seriously! Look it up. They actually had thirty rounds in the 1956 draft — this thing must have taken months. Cleveland made Wake Forest lineman Bob Bartholomew Mr. Irrelevant; he was offered a rookie contract of $12 and one Slinky.) Anyway, New England won on a last-second play that is so unbelievable, you have to see it see the fake box score to believe it.  The fun begins as the Patriots trail by 3, with the ball, and thirty seconds remaining.

Holy crap! Whoever committed that penalty was definitely stoned to death with cheese curds, right? The good people of Green Bay do NOT mess around when it comes to professional football.


2010 Green Bay Packers 14, 1966 Green Bay Packers 0 (+14)

Green Bay Packers 27, Atlanta Falcons 17 (-10)

Well that settles it! Aaron Rodgers is the greatest quarterback in Green Bay history.  The 1966 Packers allowed their 2010 counterparts to advance by playing ball-control offense against the Falcons, keeping Matt Ryan off the field by establishing the running game, pounding the rock, and abusing the cliches.

Green Bay Packers 24, Seattle Seahawks 10 (-14)

Green Bay Packers 14, Chicago Bears 10 (-4)

Jay Cutler had a terrible game for Chicago, managing only 142 yards in the air and getting sacked four times.  The Seahawks were embarrassed by the Pack; Bart Starr threw for 230 yards (that’s like, 500 in 2010 yards) and 2 scores. Much like in real life, the Bears advance because their opponent is somehow even shittier than they are.

So the Presumptive Reviews championship week is set: Green Bay at Chicago and Pittsburgh at New England. Stay tuned for next week, when we determine the Super Bowl by seeing who can hang more points on the 1976 winless creamsicle Tampa Bay Bucs!

January 13th, 2011

Baltimore vs Pittsburgh, forever and ever and ever

This week two hated division rivals meet in the AFC Playoffs, and America couldn’t be more excited.  Any time you have two teams from third-tier downtrodden decaying industrial cities playing low-scoring, all-defense football while led by obnoxious scumbags, America takes notice.  Especially with such high stakes: the winner earns the right to get drop-kicked into oblivion by non-scumbag Tom Brady and the New England Patriots the following week.

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