March 7th, 2011
ripatranzone

Men are Stupid and Women are the Worst.

If there’s one thing I hate it’s everything.  Under this umbrella of “everything” is the discussion of the differences between men and women.  I’m not sure there is anything more tedious than reading about how men masturbate differently or how women react to bad news depending on their menstrual cycle and the moon’s orbit.  Obviously, since I hate the discussion of gender studies, I will write 700 words about it.

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February 28th, 2011
ripatranzone

I’m Starting a Cult, Who Wants In?

I finished reading "Helter Skelter" over the weekend.  Pretty cool book if you enjoy the feeling of hating humanity.  However, it has given me the genius idea that I need to start a cult as soon as possible (ASAP).

What I like about cults is the brainwashing aspect.  People make brainwashing out to be some horrible thing but if you really aren’t a fan of your brain, is washing cleaning it necessarily a bad thing?  I say no.  You say yes?  YOU DARE DEFY ZOD!?!?!  



Sorry, I got ahead of myself.

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February 25th, 2011
ripatranzone

Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.
 
Hall Pass 
 
The Farrelly Brothers made some classics, There’s Something About Mary is a top 5 comedy, and they have a string of other movies that I cherish.  This sure does look like one I will cherish as well!  It has all the makings of things I enjoy: Pam from The Office, Owen Wilson, the other couple, guys being stupid, chain restaurant jokes, guys being into sex more than anything, Joy Baaaayhaaaht, and….wait a second!  These are things I liked in 2006!  It’s still 2006, right?  2006 takes five years because it’s a leap half-decade so this movie and casting and premise is a great amalgamation of things I love, currently, in 2006.  How about that new Danity Kane record?  They’ll have some staying power!  As will this movie, that will finally prove that men only think with their dicks, even when they are married and in their 30s with very attractive wives who are always incredibly wise and way better from an ethical standpoint than any man could ever be.  I’m going to drink some Vitamin Water!

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February 21st, 2011
ripatranzone

What To Do If You Don’t Like The New Radiohead Album

1. Panic

=

There are few times when you are allowed to legitimately panic, such as your spouse was in a car accident and you don’t know the extent of their injuries or when you are really really hungry.  After digesting the entire album twice (you don’t just listen to Radiohead you heathens, you consume it like a fine wine), if you still find yourself going, “Why am I not questioning my existence in modern society?  Why do I feel just as happy as I did when I started listening to this album?  Why do I not feel the need to go on the Internet and tell everyone they are wrong about their musical tastes?” then most definitely begin to panic.

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February 18th, 2011
ripatranzone

Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.
 
Big Momma’s House 3: Like Father, Like Who Cares
 
I know everyone tries to marginalize Dave Chappelle by calling him “crazy” but I enjoyed his questioning of why every black actor eventually dresses up like a woman for a movie.  While he never says directly “why” he thinks it happens so often, I will; seeing a black man stripped of his masculinity is for funny for Americans regardless of race.  Now, I don’t think everyone seeing Big Momma is a racist (they do have bad taste) but there needs to be an underlying reason why EVERY gifted black comic has tried on a dress, right?  A stereotype, one that black America somewhat perputrates, is that black men are super-masculine; they are athletic, have huge dongs, and don’t mind getting into a fight so to see them stripped of all of these things is hilarious?  Perhaps, I don’t really know, it’s just weird in 2011 there’s this genre of movie that still exists and that people, both black and white, are a fan of it.  PS: This looks like a soul abortion.

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February 13th, 2011
ripatranzone

Valentine’s Day Isn’t That Fucking Bad You Cynical A-Holes

There is no day outside of April 15th that creates as much vitriol in the American public as Valentine’s Day.  Africa’s PR firm should think about creating “Halp Africa Day” to counter-program it against Valentine’s Day, “Honey, instead of going to Jared’s, let’s go to Nigeria and halp Africans.”  It will go over well.
 
My take on Valentine’s Day is, yes, the overall concept is disgustingly awful.  It takes two things I hate, a simplistic view of love and blatant capitalism, and smushes them together in one vomit package. [Ed. Note Emo Note: First girl I ever loved dumped me on Valentine’s Day.  I saw it coming but still, yipes!]

 HOWEVA, the day is no longer the abortion of holidays it use to be.  It has a few positives, some would even say FIVE positives that need not be ranked.

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February 11th, 2011
ripatranzone

Presumptive Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.
 
Just Go With It  
 
Just go fuck yourself.  Seriously, this movie is awful and here’s FIVE very good reasons. #1 Brooklyn Decker in no universe would be interested in Adam Sandler, I don’t care if Sandler’s character cured Decker’s Mom of AIDS, they would never insert tab A into slot B. #2 Jennifer Aniston is just going to give her kids to Sandler since Decker loves kids?  Why would having NOT having kids be a dealbreaker?  #3 Adam Sandler’s character wears a wedding ring to pick up chicks.  This is such an old and dumb trope, I don’t even know how to begin so I’ll end it. #4 Somehow Sandler is going to end up with Aniston at the end of this movie which is a desperate attempt to get females to think guys like homely chicks.  Everyone loves homely chicks who look like Jennifer Aniston.  #5 Every commercial opens with a shot of Decker’s tits in a bikini top.  I know I have boner issues that we’ve previously discussed but this is just offensive.  When you break down women like that, focusing solely on one part, making them less than human, (THIS HORSE IS SO FUCKING HIGH THAT I AM UPON BY THE WAY) that it’s disrespectful to all of humanity.  I hope this movie fails and that everyone who worked on it fails at a lot of other activities today as well.

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February 8th, 2011
ripatranzone

What Should Be This Decade’s Offensive Punchline?

[Ed. Note: This whole thing is pretty offensive, as you can tell by my very specific headline.  So put your morals in the freezer for a few minutes until you’re done reading this.]

If you haven’t seen Crimes And Misdemeanors, you should, probably during the next Jewish high holiday while eating Matzoh Ball soup (SO GOOD).  For me, the classic line in the film is describing comedy as, “tragedy plus time.”  If short sentences confound you, it means all tragedies turn into punchlines and the more disastrous or odd the tragedy, the greater the comedic value.
 
Before delving into some possible candidates, let’s look at some past favorites.
 
Montazuma’s Revenge - Actual Event: Moctuzema II, ruler of the Aztec civilization at its peak, is defeated by Hernan Cortes, a Spanish Conquistador in the 16th century.  Now: Refers to pooping too much in Mexico.

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February 2nd, 2011
ripatranzone

Presumptive Sports Movie Reviews

It’s expensive to see movies.  It’s not expensive to watch the trailers, guess what it’s about and try to review them.  Here’s what’s opening this week.
 
[Ed. Note: In honor of Super Bowl week, here are some classic sports movie reviews I’ve done over the years.]
 
Necessary Roughness September 17th, 1991
 
There is no movie I was more excited to see this year when I opened up the Fall Movies edition of my Entertainment Weekly magazine, made of paper from trees, than this one.  First of all, Scott Bakula, uh, yes please!  Sinbad?  Eat my shorts man!  Robert Loggia?  I loved Big but thought Scarface was overrated and will not be embraced by the hip-hop community in twenty years.  The movie is about a state school and their football program that has been decimated by “sanctions” which I believe occur when college athletes are paid to attend the school but that seems like a very rare thing and is just used as a plot device for this movie.  Then Coach Loggia puts together a rag-tag (always the rag-tags) group of older guys, and get this, a HOT female kicked played by SI Swimsuit masturbation material model Kathy Ireland.  Oh man, I LOVE comedies like this where they twist societal norms on their dang head and we can all just laugh and laugh and laugh about it, much like this hysterical song that was released last week.  I think it’s this new kind of comedy rock called “irony” and I kinda dig it but I think it’s a bit too cynical for my taste.

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January 31st, 2011
ripatranzone

Five Things That Will Irritate You and Me (mostly me) On Super Bowl Sunday

Super Bowl Sunday.  I just drooled a bit.

There’s a ton to love about that day; there is food…….and other stuff.  There are a few things that happen nearly every year, though, that take away a little enjoyment from the day.  I imagine by telling you these five things they will annoy you less when they actually happen because you’ll think, “I remember when I read that handsome guy’s article that was so funny and insightful and it changed my life and now those things are happening and it makes me feel less alone on this crazy little blue dot knowing someone can empathize with my situation.”

Non-football Fans Trying to Seem Like They Understand Anything Going On

If you don’t like football, that’s fine.  If you don’t like sports, that’s fine too.  I’m not a guy who cares that you don’t like things; I don’t like anything either (let’s hang out and sext sometime).  I don’t mind when we are all watching the game and you ask a few questions, however, do NOT regurgitate what you saw on ESPN about the game that morning to me as if it’s your own thoughts because that’s what I have done all year long to make myself seem smart and now suddenly you’re talking like me (which sounds a lot like Mike Ditka in real life) and I have nothing of value to say except ranking all of the NFL Quarterbacks based on hotness (1. Brady 2. Sanchez 3. Vick 4. Bradford 5. Romo).

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